Sora is now 8 months and 2 weeks.
I still "breastfeed" him through bottle. It wasn't like that before. I had amazing 3 months, having Sora latch on.
How I ended up being an exclusive pumper?
The answer is: I don't know.
But let me share my breastfeeding journey sebelum ini ....entah apakah karena alasan-alasan ini membuat Sora tidak mau latch on lagi.
1. Hari-hari pertama breastfeeding
Hmm..sejujurnya saya sempat kuatir karena saya tidak dapat kesempatan tuk IMD (inisiasi menyusui dini), karena proses bersalin yang terlalu lama, jadi begitu lahir, Sora langsung dibawa ke pediatric (saya juga kurang jelas diapain itu dia).. sekitar 4 jam kemudian, pangeranku diantarkan ...dan inilah saat yang menegangkan!!!!!!!
Awwwww...Sora menyusu dengan sangat sempurna! Saya bisa dengar suara glek glek glek-nya~ dan I didn't feel any pain at all! I really really praised the Lord.
I could see my colostrum.. breastfeeding was so amazing..like seriously!! SO AMAZING
Awal2 mostly Sora nyusu 2 jam sekali, seperti newborn pada umumnya.
Dan saya juga sangat bersyukur, tengah malam..Sora hanya menyusu dan bobo lagi, ga pake acara begadang2 ~
Saya ingat cerita teman saya yang bilang, breastfeeding lebih menyakitkan dari melahirkan.
So, setiap kali dada sudah terasa bengkak dan keras, saya selalu pijat2.. sampai akirnya di hari ke-5 saya mulai pompa sesekali, belum rutin, karena Sora masi selalu latch on.
So far saya belum pernah sampai kesakitan sekali or sekeras2 batu.. thank God!
2. Sora was introduced to bottle and pacifier when he was 4 weeks.
Saya ikut grup breastfeeding mums (singapore based) and berulang kali diingatkan tuk introduce bottle around 4-6 weeks. Karena saya harus balik kerja ketika Sora 7 weeks, I thought I could start to introduce when he was 4 weeks, maybe only once a day, supaya Sora terbiasa ketika nanti saya balik kerja.
Dan dengan mudahnya Sora menyusu dari botol, tanpa drama sama sekali.
Hati saya tiba2 sedih, takut Sora ga mau latch on lagi... tapi... tidak terjadi, Sora tetap menyusu dengan normal. Ah thank God!
Awal2 saya pakai chuchu training teat - lalu setelah beberapa lama, flow nya terlalu cepat, jadilah saya ganti pigeon peristaltic nipple .
Setelah diganti, Sora keliatan semakin mudah nyusu-nya.. dan setelah saya lihat2 dot chuchu itu emang dah rusak, jadi perlu diganti.
3. Saat Sora 7 weeks, saya kembali kerja. Mostly Sora latch on ketika di rumah, dan hanya botol ketika saya ga ada. Tapi ada waktu dimana sudah terlanjur susu dipanaskan, dan saya sudah pulang, karena sayang susunya ~ then tetaplah Sora nyusu dari botol saat saya di rumah.
4. TIBA2...pas Sora pas 3 bulan TIBA2 he rejected my breasts!
He cried out loud setiap kali saya mau nyusuin.. Hati saya hancur berkeping2... saya serasa tertolak dan tak diinginkan. Sedih sedih sedih dan hancur. Mungkin ada sekitar 1 bulan, saya cukup depresi, kept on trying. Dan sejak itulah, saya mulai full pompa ~ kecuali tengah malam, Sora masi mau dream feeding.. but again, suddenly when he was 6 months, he even rejected my breasts when he was sleeping!
So, kenapa tiba2 Sora menolak latch on? I don't know.
Apa karena saya ganti dot? I don't know
Apa karena I was around ketika Sora disusuin? I don't know (banyak yang bilang, kalo sebaiknya mama tidak berada di dekat bayi ketika bayi lagi disusuin pakai botol)
Until now, I don't know what I would've done differently.
Yeah, it was so painful and depressing when your baby rejected your breasts!
It is so tiring when you have to pump instead of latching on (though I heard banyak juga pengalaman latch on yang melelahkan, not in my case though).
I miss latching on soooooooo much!!! I miss him!
Setelah berhari2, saya mengalami depresi ... nangis2 tak berhenti, saya decided.. okay! He just rejected my breasts, not me! Though I miss latching on, at least I had it before.
There were several nights, when Sora started to reject my breasts even when he was sleeping, I really couldn't sleep at all.. saya selalu berjaga2 supaya bisa menyusui Sora di kala dia sangat pulas supaya dia tidak sadar. Dan akirnya saya capeeeeeeeee ga kira2. Dan saya berpikir.. "inikah bonding yang saya inginkan?" "toh Sora didn't even realize he was sucking my nipple" So, I said, that's it, I need my sleep.. I gave up, I needed to give him bottle instead!
Oh yeah, another depressing moment... and itulah saat supply saya semakin sedikit.
Karena biar bagaimanapun latching on akan produksi lebih banyak dari pompa, karena sedotan bayi paling mutakhir tuk membuat dada ibu kosong.
Dulu saya bercita2 mau nyusuin sampai 2 tahun, sekarang sejujur2nya dengan kondisi seperti ini.. saya tidak tahu sampai kapan supply ini masi ada.. dan sampai kapan saya sanggup bertahan.
Karena really, begitu banyak hal yang dikorbankan dengan pompa 4-5 kali sehari, belum lagi sakitnya.. duuh duh duh!
But we'll see.. I say, yes, one pump at at time! and all by His grace.
To be able tuk nyusuin Sora dengan mudahnya di awal, surely was a blessing for me and for Sora of course.
Tuk mengalami masa2 berat "penolakan" dari Sora pun, adalah saya percaya a blessing in disguise.
I can't really see now, but one thing I know for sure - my breastfeeding experience so far - either fully latch on, pumping at work or exclusive pumping, made me realize.. how I am nothing, even though the breastmilk comes out from my breasts, it is actually not from me, all from God. Dan saya tidak berkuasa sedikitpun. Really, kalo ada hal yang sangat pelajari dari motherhood, it humbles me dan membuat saya sangat belajar bahwa I need Him every second. Dan breastfeeding (one part of motherhood) taught me the same, it humbles me that no matter how hard I tried, it all depends on Him .. and yes I need Him every second, I need Him every pumping to have this ultimate joy, the strength to pump 4-5 times a day (sometimes in the middle of the night), the love to give the best for my baby and you know to always give thanks while doing it, no matter how hard it is. Like any other things in my life, God made this possible, God made this a wonderful journey and God gives me hope to keep doing it until my last drop or until we say "it is enough" for whatever reasons (dunno yet). I can do all things (all pumping sessions) with God who strengthens me, indeed.
What I would suggest to other exclusive pumpers, next! Stay tuned :)
