Friday, May 1, 2020

My 5 Loaves and 2 Fishes

I still remember how I felt hopeless when a friend of mine told me that there was no chance I could make a hazmat suit that would give enough protection to the medical workers on the field.
..
I still remember how I felt hopeful after I chatted with a doctor, and he told me that a REAL waterproof material was good enough at this moment, better than nothing. To prevent droplets going in.
.. 
I still remember how anxious I was while trying to find a supplier that provided one. Waiting for suppliers to reply us seemed like forever. 
.. 
I still remember how I felt like a failure, when we had found the so-called waterproof material (claimed by the supplier) and tested it ourselves, it was completely soaking-wet! Even worse, we had bought the material. 
.. 
I still remember again, how excited I was to finally find and test the finally!! real waterproof material, and we could make it a go and tell people about it. 
..
I still remember how heartbroken I was to tell the needy people on the field that at that moment we hadn't made enough hazmat suits yet, as we barely started a few days back. My heart broke to tell them to wait, that we would do as best as we can. 
..
I still remember how useless I felt when I watched the news saying Indonesia needs millions of hazmat suit, help from big organisation had arrived -- ten thousand something. While we only could make less than a hundred a day that time. 
.. 
Then, at that moment! God spoke to me, clearly.. "I just need 5 loaves and 2 fishes from you, I will multiply them" 
I am not a miracle maker. I am just a boy who is holding my lunch my mom prepared, and I want to surrender them to Jesus, to feed thousands of people in hunger. 
If there is one thing I learnt during the pandemic, it is this! 

It is surely a journey of faith.

He initiates, He leads, He provides.
At the end of the day, whatever the result is, all credit belongs to Him.
To God be the glory.
The One who takes my five loaves and two fishes.
The miracle maker.

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, "We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty." Luke 17:10 



Here is Corrinne May's song that accompanied me: 

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"
I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all
But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"
- Corrinne May -  

Sunday, June 4, 2017

God Touched My Heart With a Playdough

Lately, saya ngerasa Tuhan speaks to me the same message (almost) everyday:
- to put my hope only in Him
- don't be afraid about the future
- God is still in control
Saya sampe heran, kok tiap hari baca Alkitab, dapetnya yah tentang itu mulu itu mulu... and, emang iya banget, saya rasa.. "Tuhan, is it because saya tuh belom get the message ya, so You keep repeating the same thing to me every single day"

And yes, emang betul... lately, I feel very discouraged! I am so scared, and worried about the future.
Keadaan politik yg sungguh memprihatinkan, keadaan negara dan dunia yg mencekam..
Betul, saya tiap hari baca firmanNya, tapi saya juga tiap hari mencekokkan diri saya dgn berita2 itu (my bad!) .. the more I read those news, the more I feel scared and discouraged!
The more I asked Him, if His promise that He is my refuge, still relevant.
If.. my all time favorite "God is in control", masi bisa saya say it out loud.
If I can teach my children dgn segenap hati dan imanku, bahwa Tuhan memegang masa depan mereka. (walaupun kami memutuskan for good ke indo dalam keadaan yg patut dpertanyakan ini)

In fact, bacaan firman Tuhan saya kmrn adalah:
Amsal 3:25-26 (TB)  Janganlah takut kepada kekejutan yang tiba-tiba, atau kepada kebinasaan orang fasik, bila itu datang.
Karena TUHANlah yang akan menjadi sandaranmu, dan akan menghindarkan kakimu dari jerat.

Saya berusaha mengimani -nya dan dengan segenap hati mendoakannya! Entah dgn iman, atau dgn berusaha untuk beriman. But, still... di hati kecil ini bertanya, can I still trust You Lord?

Kemarin... yah kemarin, saya bilang ke suami:
"Kayanya sora boleh deh dibeliin playdough, dia keliatan dah mulai tertarik, walaupun emang ngerepotin sih kalo anak maen playdough, tapi i think it is good for him.. tar coba deh kamu liat2 di sg"

Dan hari ini donk!
Sora dapat playdough di kelas Sekolah Minggu dia. Sora sih super clueless kenapa dia dapat itu playdough..
(well, apparently, our family pic itu menang di perlombaan yg diadakan di kelas sora. Yg saya juga ga sadar kalo ada lomba. Saya simply cuma pengen participated kirim foto, karena saya appreciate usaha guru2 sekolah minggu sora yg udah susah payah bikinin props tuk parents' day last week)
Sora was thrilled of course.

and me... Yes, Me! I was so touched! God spoke to me very clear, with that playdough!
Hey, My daughter, yes, My words is still relevant, You can still and always trust Me.

I know that I can buy playdough for sora anytime. But received it today, it was really something.
I know that berkat Tuhan dalam hidup ku itu sungguh tak terhitung, and I can't thank Him enough everyday for what He has given me..
but God surely won my heart with that playdough.
-- you know, when you were little, you secretly wanted an ice-cream, and your saviour (whoever he/she was) gave it to you without you asked.. what did you feel? Suprised, loved, lucky maybe..
But I don't consider myself lucky, no! It wasn't luck.. it is God's way to speak to me: I still listen to your prayer, to your fear.. and You still can count on me.

Oh dear God, I feel like a little girl again, but I don't care.. saya mau punya iman spt seorang anak kecil, yang menaruh kepercayaan sepenuhnya kepada Bapa.
Kepada Bapa di Surga, yg sama kemarin, hari ini dan selamanya.
Bapa di Surga yg memeluk erat anakNya. Yg tidak meremehkan permintaan remeh temeh anakNya.
Bapa, Allah yg berdaulat, yg memegang sejarah.. Allah yg adalah gunung batu, keselamatanku..

Thank You God for the playdough <3 nbsp="" p="">

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I am tired of being tired

These days, I feel weary, restless... bolak balik cek instagram and fb, seakan lagi search for something. Yup, most of the time, di instagram, I really admire the women who seem to have it all. You name it: cute kids, healthy food on their table, aktivitas for their kids, and they still got to take care of themselves. They even make money with that, aduh makin asik banget kan. They make money by living their lives yg keren. The more I read about them, the more I think and think.. what I can do?
Pengen banget punya instagram yg lebih "layak diliat" dan bisa bagi pengetahuan tuk yg baca, u know, review these products, or sharing aktivitas anak2, or anak2 yg fashionable. Lah, saya?
Si ciel aja pas awal2 pake baju kokonya, maap yah nak .... >.< masak aja seadanya. In fact, I am carrying my 4 months old baby in my ergo rite now sambil ketik ini, karena dari tadi dia ga mau dilepas.

Yes, semua pemikiran itu bikin saya weary, akirnya jadi ga fokus.. jadi ngerasa ga total juga buat urusin my 2 bocah, my 2 langit, Sora dan Ciel. Karena yg ada, si mama, yg tangannya pegang hp, sambil liat insta orang dan jadi down down down down down!

I know, it wasn't right. I cried for help.. I am tired of being like this..
And God gave me this verse:

Philippians 4:11 ==> for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

He gave me the reason saya berasa ga karu2an spt skrg: I am not content! - ternyata, oh, ternyata -

Selama ini, sejak ada anak, sejujurnya, saya sudah berasa content with what I have (so I thought).
Pake baju yah muter muter dari senin sampe senin lagi, cuci gosok pake .. begitu terus.
Makan juga apa yg ada yah cukup, ga banyak neko-neko makannya. Yg gampang aja cukuplah.
Bedak muka habis, masi bisa content.. belum sempet beli, tanpa ngerasa kacau.

But today, God taught me what being content really is! Bukan cuma dalam hal materi. Tapi, with whatever I have. In this season.

- Tuhan ajar saya to be content dengan waktu yg terbatas, Ya ya ya, I have 24 hours, sama seperti selamanya... tapi skrg berbeda, my 24 hours itu juga milik anak2. I have less time skrg.
Me time? Apaan tuh?
- Tuhan ajar saya to be content dengan tenaga yg terbatas. Kalau dulu saya masi bisa super aktif sampai malam2, bisa do this and do that. Masi bisa nulis. Sekarang, anak dah bobo, yah saya ikut pingsan. Tenaga saya terbatas.
- Tuhan ajar saya to be content dengan ide yg terbatas. Dulu mgkn masi bisa nyumbang begitu banyak ide tuk acara ini dan itu. Skrg? Ide tuk masak aja kok ga muncul2.
- Tuhan ajar saya to be content dengan kesempatan yg terbatas.
Sejak resign waktu sora umur 8 bulan sampai sekarang, saya dah ditawari kerja oleh 4 orang yg berbeda. Dan tiap orang ga cuma sekali, hampir beberapa bulan sekali, mereka contacted me again, tanya... "dah bisa kali skrg kerja? Sora dah lebih gede?" etc... Terkadang, sering ngerasa... ahhh... I would love to take that opportunity, really2 do, but sadly, I have to say no. (Saya orang yg hobi kerja, btw)
- Tuhan ajar saya to be content dengan teman yg terbatas (hix hix)... I used to hang out super sering dgn banyak grup yg beda. Skrg? huhu.. ga usah dtanya deh. I know I know, some mothers could manage to bisa catch up with their friends. (di situ saya merasa sedih!) but, not me. I am truly sorry, my friends.
.........
Tuhan benar2 ajar saya hari ini...
to be content in this season dengan keterbatasan saya, dengan what I have.

Are you able to get along happily (be content) in any circumstances you face? Paul knew how to be satisfied whether he had plenty or whether he was in need. The secret was drawing on Christ's power for strength. Do you have great needs or are you dissatisfied because you don't have what you want? Learn to rely on God's promises and Christ's power to help you be content. 

How true!
Drawing back to God helps me to regain my focus.
Listening to His voice alone helps me not listen to what the world offers.

What  I need saat ini adalah to focus, to be IN THIS SEASON, to really touch the ground.. bukannya melayang2 - seandainya saya punya tenaga lebih, punya waktu lebih -
'coz yes, this is the season God wanted me to commit fully,  ya ampun yg 1 baru 29 bulan. yg 1 baru 4 bulan. I believe, when God thinks I am ready for more (opportunity, ministry, even jobs!!, or maybe new kid bwahahaha, jk, jk), He will bring it to me.. ga usah saya sibuk cari-cari yg ga jelas.
I just need to be His faithful servant in this season, like in any other season in my life.


Monday, June 15, 2015

Sakitnya Ditolak

So this afternoon, saya ajak Sora ke playground. Di sana ada 2 girls, and my very friendly baby kept following them. No, Sora didn't disturb them... Sora cuma berdiri dekat mereka, ngeliatin mereka sambil maybe berharap kalo bisa diajak maen juga ~ huhu, tapi kemana Sora mendekat, mereka akan menjauh. Mungkin itu 2 anak pikir, "ini apaan si bayi kecil ikutin gue ajeee?" 


Ah, sebagai mamanya, saya sedih ~ felt like #penolakan.. padahal Sora mah ga ngerasa apa2 mungkin.
Saya ngerasa... "sini sama mama ajaaa nak, ga akan pernah mama menolakmu...." tapi yah saya anteng2 aja, ngeliatin dari jauh bagaimana Sora akan bereaksi ... sambil terus berpikir dan menyadari... bahwa suatu saat, saya akan melepas Sora.. dia akan berinteraksi dengan orang lain tanpa saya awasi, dia akan membangun relationship dengan orang lain.. entah mereka akan menerima atau menolak dia.. suatu saat, saya hanya bisa mendengar cerita dari Sora, tanpa menyaksikan sendiri bagaimana Sora berinteraksi dengan orang lain.. yah karena saya tidak akan seterusnya menemani Sora.

Hari minggu, kemarin, di kelas Bible study kami (tuk para ibu2 dengan bayi), dibahas dan diingatkan untuk selalu experience God in our daily routines. As a mother, at least for me in this season, saya menjalani hari dengan doing task to task.. don't really have time tuk berdiam diri, bahkan ketika anak tertidur pun, yang saya kerjakan dan pikirkan adalah piring, baju, lantai, masak... dan tentu pompa asi.
So.. walaupun mungkin we don't have that luxury to have a solitary time, but we still can experience God in those routines. We just need to be discipline! Disiplin untuk membangun kesadaran dan atensi rohani untuk melihat dan experience God. To see from time to time, what God wants us to learn.. what God is trying to tell us. And for me, to do this parenting with God!
And today, I was reminded:

Pulang dari playground, while carrying Sora in my carrier, I talked to him... "Sora.... tadi Sora mau maen sama 2 cici itu yaaa... tapi 2 cici itu cuekin Sora ya....?" ...
then saya mau berlanjut dengan bilang... kalo it is okay, one day you will find a good friend to play together koook.. tiba2 saya jadi teringat lagu "What a Friend We Have in Jesus".. and it is even better, my son, if you have Jesus. Karena Dia adalah temanmu yang setia, yang selalu menyambutmu. Walau suatu saat manusia akan mengecewakanmu, tapi Yesus tuh ga akan pernah..
And I sang that song sambil boboin Sora. Sambil reminded myself, that I too have Jesus as my best friend.. jalani this lonely season. This song is just so beautiful... "Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share?" 

Every time I looked at the pics I took this afternoon, saya masi sedih lagi bayangin one day Sora akan mengalami penolakan.. tapi saya menyadari bahwa saya bukanlah pelindung Sora yang utama - mama can't always protect you, baby!" Saya rindu Sora selalu rely on Him, yang tidak akan pernah menolak Sora, yang mengasihi Sora lebih dari saya sayang dia..
Oh yeah, Sora ga akan selamanya jadi mama's boy, he will one day grow up as a mature man.... who will always (i pray) rely on Him, and whose best friend is Jesus.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

(Sora's) 7 months BLW

Ah! We are here, BLW Sora masi terus berjalan, puji Tuhan!

Saya share pengalaman bulan pertama BLW disini, saat umur Sora 6 bulan.

A quick update of his 7mos BLW ~
Okay, pas umur 7 bulan.. kami sempet liburan di Jakarta hampir 2 minggu.
Nah di Jakarta means bukan rumah sendiri, sehingga peralatan seadanya, tapi karena makanan Sora tidak rempong, panci dan rice cooker cukuplah untuk steam sayur2an.

Sora dibeliin high chair lagi di Jakarta (kalo sampe kepepet ga ada high chair, mgkn bisa coba dudukin di stroller), siap2 aja stroller kotor tapi ;p so pilih2 deh makanan yang ga terlalu mengotori.

Saya masi kasi makanan2 yang Sora sudah makan dari 6 bulan:
Steamed: carrot, broccoli, pumpkin, yam, potato, labu siam (chayote), pear.
Raw: papaya, banana, avocado, cucumber, melon.

Makanan baru tuk si 7 bulan Sora:
Red dragon fruit
Chinese new year means jeruk! Segala jeruk dia suka... diisep sampai bikin orang ngiler
Steamed salmon
Egg, fyi, alergi telur ada di putihnya ~ jadi kalau ada riwayat alergi, kasi kuningnya dulu.. or no harm to wait :) boiled or steamed.
Baby corn
RICE! entah dalam bentuk biji atau saya bentuk jadi rice ball.
dan karena di Jakarta, jadi sering makan keluar.. kalo lagi di resto - saya kasi Sora sayur ijo yang saya dah cuci dengan air panas, doyan2 aja tuh :D
Sisanya masi makanan yg sama seperti yang lalu.

Jadwal makan.. tetap diusahakan 3-4 kali (breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner) tapi kenyataannya masi kurang rutin. Karena 7 bulan ini cukup mobile, so we were not able to set a routine for Sora. Apalagi kalo lagi banyak di luar rumah...jadwal makan Sora jadi berantakan, dan Sora pun "makan" seadanya (maaf yah nak...)

Oh, sedikit info, karena saya exclusive pumping ~ jadi kepantau memang berapa ml susu yang Sora minum, di umur 7 bulan Sora minum sekitar 800-900 ml kurang lebih per hari. Kalau kata kellymom sih kebutuhan asi 7 bulan sekitar 875 ml, so yeah, I am happy enough. haha :D

One of Sora memorable days, when I was more confirmed that blw really2 worked, Sora could finish the whole carrot that day! And yeah, that was the rice ball I mentioned above! 

Super seru makan red dragon fruit 
Saya sangat senang melihat progress Sora, kemampuan mengunyah semakin baik.. Sora bisa atur cara pegang makanan, cara memakannya. Dan Sora sangat konsentrasi ketika makan, sangat menikmati..
Walaupun ada hari2, dimana he seemed not interested in eating, entah lagi cape, lagi ngantuk... so mama hanya bisa bersedih hati, membereskan berantakan yg Sora bikin (padahal makannya dikiiiittt) dan mencoba lagi lagi dan lagi.
So, so far our blw kept going, and again, tidak ada target, ikutin pace dan kemampuan Sora, jadikan saat makan adalah saat yang menyenangkan buat Sora dan tentunya buat mamanya juga.

Will update the 8mos BLW too :)

Friday, March 27, 2015

(Sora's) Breastfeeding Journey: Before Exclusive Pumping

Sora is now 8 months and 2 weeks.
I still "breastfeed" him through bottle. It wasn't like that before. I had amazing 3 months, having Sora latch on.

How I ended up being an exclusive pumper?
The answer is: I don't know.

But let me share my breastfeeding journey sebelum ini ....entah apakah karena alasan-alasan ini membuat Sora tidak mau latch on lagi.

1. Hari-hari pertama breastfeeding
Hmm..sejujurnya saya sempat kuatir karena saya tidak dapat kesempatan tuk IMD (inisiasi menyusui dini), karena proses bersalin yang terlalu lama, jadi begitu lahir, Sora langsung dibawa ke pediatric (saya juga kurang jelas diapain itu dia).. sekitar 4 jam kemudian, pangeranku diantarkan ...dan inilah saat yang menegangkan!!!!!!!
Awwwww...Sora menyusu dengan sangat sempurna! Saya bisa dengar suara glek glek glek-nya~ dan I didn't feel any pain at all! I really really praised the Lord.
I could see my colostrum.. breastfeeding was so amazing..like seriously!! SO AMAZING

Awal2 mostly Sora nyusu 2 jam sekali, seperti newborn pada umumnya.
Dan saya juga sangat bersyukur, tengah malam..Sora hanya menyusu dan bobo lagi, ga pake acara begadang2 ~

Saya ingat cerita teman saya yang bilang, breastfeeding lebih menyakitkan dari melahirkan.
So, setiap kali dada sudah terasa bengkak dan keras, saya selalu pijat2.. sampai akirnya di hari ke-5 saya mulai pompa sesekali, belum rutin, karena Sora masi selalu latch on.
So far saya belum pernah sampai kesakitan sekali or sekeras2 batu.. thank God!

2. Sora was introduced to bottle and pacifier when he was 4 weeks.
Saya ikut grup breastfeeding mums (singapore based) and berulang kali diingatkan tuk introduce bottle around 4-6 weeks. Karena saya harus balik kerja ketika Sora 7 weeks, I thought  I could start to introduce when he was 4 weeks, maybe only once a day, supaya Sora terbiasa ketika nanti saya balik kerja.
Dan dengan mudahnya Sora menyusu dari botol, tanpa drama sama sekali.
Hati saya tiba2 sedih, takut Sora ga mau latch on lagi... tapi... tidak terjadi, Sora tetap  menyusu dengan normal. Ah thank God!

Awal2 saya pakai chuchu training teat - lalu setelah beberapa lama, flow nya terlalu cepat, jadilah saya ganti pigeon peristaltic nipple .
Setelah diganti, Sora keliatan semakin mudah nyusu-nya.. dan setelah saya lihat2 dot chuchu itu emang dah rusak, jadi perlu diganti.

3. Saat Sora 7 weeks, saya kembali kerja. Mostly Sora latch on ketika di rumah, dan hanya botol ketika saya ga ada. Tapi ada waktu dimana sudah terlanjur susu dipanaskan, dan saya sudah pulang, karena sayang susunya ~ then tetaplah Sora nyusu dari botol saat saya di rumah.

4. TIBA2...pas Sora pas 3 bulan TIBA2 he rejected my breasts!
He cried out loud setiap kali saya mau nyusuin.. Hati saya hancur berkeping2... saya serasa tertolak dan tak diinginkan. Sedih sedih sedih dan hancur. Mungkin ada sekitar 1 bulan, saya cukup depresi, kept on trying. Dan sejak itulah, saya mulai full pompa ~ kecuali tengah malam, Sora masi mau dream feeding.. but again, suddenly when he was 6 months, he even rejected my breasts when he was sleeping!

So, kenapa tiba2 Sora menolak latch on? I don't know.
Apa karena saya ganti dot? I don't know
Apa karena I was around ketika Sora disusuin? I don't know (banyak yang bilang, kalo sebaiknya mama tidak berada di dekat bayi ketika bayi lagi disusuin pakai botol)

Until now, I don't know what I would've done differently.

Yeah, it was so painful and depressing when your baby rejected your breasts!
It is so tiring when you have to pump instead of latching on (though I heard banyak juga pengalaman latch on yang melelahkan, not in my case though).
I miss latching on soooooooo much!!! I miss him!
Setelah berhari2, saya mengalami depresi ... nangis2 tak berhenti, saya decided.. okay! He just rejected my breasts, not me! Though I miss latching on, at least I had it before.
There were several nights, when Sora started to reject my breasts even when he was sleeping, I really couldn't sleep at all.. saya selalu berjaga2 supaya bisa menyusui Sora di kala dia sangat pulas supaya dia tidak sadar. Dan akirnya saya capeeeeeeeee ga kira2. Dan saya berpikir.. "inikah bonding yang saya inginkan?" "toh Sora didn't even realize he was sucking my nipple" So, I said, that's it, I need my sleep.. I gave up, I needed to give him bottle instead!
Oh yeah, another depressing moment... and itulah saat supply saya semakin sedikit.
Karena biar bagaimanapun latching on akan produksi lebih banyak dari pompa, karena sedotan bayi paling mutakhir tuk membuat dada ibu kosong.

Dulu saya bercita2 mau nyusuin sampai 2 tahun, sekarang sejujur2nya dengan kondisi seperti ini.. saya tidak tahu sampai kapan supply ini masi ada.. dan sampai kapan saya sanggup bertahan.
Karena really, begitu banyak hal yang dikorbankan dengan pompa 4-5 kali sehari, belum lagi sakitnya.. duuh duh duh!
But we'll see.. I say, yes, one pump at at time! and all by His grace.

To be able tuk nyusuin Sora dengan mudahnya di awal, surely was a blessing for me and for Sora of course.
Tuk mengalami masa2 berat "penolakan" dari Sora pun, adalah saya percaya a blessing in disguise.
I can't really see now, but one thing I know for sure - my breastfeeding experience so far - either fully latch on, pumping at work or exclusive pumping, made me realize.. how I am nothing, even though the breastmilk comes out from my breasts, it is actually not from me, all from God. Dan saya tidak berkuasa sedikitpun. Really, kalo ada hal yang sangat pelajari dari motherhood, it humbles me dan membuat saya sangat belajar bahwa I need Him every second. Dan breastfeeding (one part of motherhood) taught me the same, it humbles me that no matter how hard I tried, it all depends on Him .. and yes I need Him every second, I need Him every pumping to have this ultimate joy, the strength to pump 4-5 times a day (sometimes in the middle of the night), the love to give the best for my baby and you know to always give thanks while doing it, no matter how hard it is. Like any other things in my life, God made this possible, God made this a wonderful journey and God gives me hope to keep doing it until my last drop or until we say "it is enough" for whatever reasons (dunno yet). I can do all things (all pumping sessions) with God who strengthens me, indeed.

What I would suggest to other exclusive pumpers, next! Stay tuned :)