sanguine, REALLY?

"Masalahnya aku itu sanguin banget, ci!!!!!!" -- itu adalah 1 kalimat frustasi yg dilontarkan a teenage boy to me. maybe he was trying to explain why his life is messed up. like everything. every aspects in life ga ada yg beres. dia frustasi enough tuk menjelaskan ke aku, alasan he did this and and not that.

mengapa dia tidak bisa konsen ketika belajar. mengapa ketika dia berencana baca renungan, yg ada adalah dia terganggu main game. mengapa dia tidak bisa menyelesaikan pekerjaan sampai tuntas, dsb!

Blaming on being a sanguine, did it really explain everything?

Oh well... maybe..

Namun, the statement, really made me to think that there's a reason why he ended up pouring out his heart to me that nite!

For you, who haven't known me well (or tepatnya haven't met me in person), I am pure sanguine!

Yes, you only need to be with me not more than 10 seconds to notice that I am a sanguine.

Back to that boy,

a moment after he mentioned it .... I screamed "HELLLLOOOOOO, who do u think I am?! cici is a pure sanguine!"

He was like, "whaaat?? u don't look like me! your life seems perfect. you listen. you are well-organized."

I didn't blame him for blaming "sanguine" for making his life miserable. 'coz i truly understand. and honestly, i was like him too.

I prayed and questioned Him so many times,

"LORD, why You created me to be a sanguine, and pure one?"

"I don't like myself!"

"I don't like to be noticed when I made mistakes!"

*well, you know, we, sanguine, talk - say things out loud. we don't keep things inside.

unlike melancholic, probably, they remain silent when they don't like stuffs.

so.....who are the first to be noticed as an annoying one?

yessss.... I am!! A sanguine!* >.< I really don't like it.

"Why people sometimes close their ears when I talk? Seriously, God, it's my normal voice... I just don't know how to lower the volume... "

You may think I dance when I talk or walk. but really, when I talk - my hands do too. when I walk - I jump too.

"Tuhan, eyn ga suka diri eyn!!!! eyn ga suka jadi sanguine!"

Of course, people say:

I make them laugh most of the time.

I am the ice breaker in any situation.

I am really2 useful when there is no microphone and u need to let all the people in the room to hear the announcement.

But, still!

"Eyn ga suka jadi sanguine!"

Ga damai -- capeeee -- tegang mulu -- selalu ketauan pas salah -- sering banget di-keselin/di-sirikin padahal maksud eyn kan baik -- dst.....

I wouldn't stop, so, I chose to stop!

Really ...

You won't stop to complain! U need to choose to stop to complain.

Back to the boy,

I was in his position... I gave up to the fact that I am a pure sanguine. I was hopeless.

Because I am a sanguine, I am allowed :

to talk about myself all the time.

not to listen.

not to finish what I started.

not to mean what I say.

to hurt people with my words.

not to focus on my responsibilities.

to mess things up. coz, u know. I easily got distracted.

to forget stuffs.

'coz people will understand.

REALLY, PEOPLE?

are u satisfied with people to understand you and you won't change?

My God, my Heavenly Father who with His tender Love created me ....

didn't give up on me, like I did to myself.

His works hadn't finished on me, and He still does!

He made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank Him for making me so wonderfully complex!
His workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
He watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
He saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in His book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are His thoughts about me

They cannot be numbered!

He made me to be like this! to have this endless energy. this voice. this speaking speed. FOR REASONS that I still learn to know and fulfill in my life.

He did His part! Making EYN as a pure sanguine.

My part is to work on it! to be a transformed sanguine.

to be a real eyn he's designed me to be from the beginning.

One reason that I learnt from the conversation with the boy, is

so I could tell all other sanguines..

-- that:

we can listen!

we can finish what we started.

we have to mean what we say.

we can learn to remember stuffs.

we can learn to focus.

we can use our words to bless, encourage, motivate, love people, not to hurt them.

with the power of His grace and love. we simply need to come before Him. pour out our hearts.. and say "Lord, I believe there are reasons why You created me like this. Change and mold me to be what You want me to be."

we really can do all things through Him who strengthen us!

* i hope that i don't stop here and will continue writing about what, we, sanguines, naturally do- and how we should change!

have a peaceful new year!

December 22nd, 2010

Hampir setiap kali aku jadi MC natal *sejauh yg kuingat*, aku pasti mengutip Lukas 2, bagian dimana para malaikat muncul kepada para gembala (mari2 baca lagi!!). Bagiku itu adalah bagian termegah, aku membayangkan bintang di langit spt malam biasanya, dimana para gembala lagi asik beristirahat, tiba2 JRENG JRENG *nah ini aku ga bisa bayangin seberapa hebohnya malam itu* :

"Jangan takut, sebab sesungguhnya aku memberitakan kepadamu kesukaan besar untuk seluruh bangsa: Hari ini telah lahir bagimu Juruselamat, yaitu Kristus, Tuhan, di kota Daud. Dan inilah tandanya bagimu: Kamu akan menjumpai seorang bayi dibungkus dengan lampin dan terbaring di dalam palungan."

Dan tiba-tiba tampaklah bersama-sama dengan malaikat itu sejumlah besar bala tentara sorga yang memuji Allah, katanya: "Kemuliaan bagi Allah di tempat yang mahatinggi dan damai sejahtera di bumi di antara manusia yang berkenan kepada-Nya."

Dengan imaginasiku yg sangat terbatas ini pun, aku merinding membayangkan malam itu.

Lalu biasanya kuajak jemaat menyanyikan lagu Natal favoritku “Dengarlah Malak Bernyanyi” => Marilah kita memuji Sang Juruselamat bersama dengan para malaikat.

Natal kali ini pun, tetap bagian ini menjadi bagian yg aku terus bayangkan dan nikmati – namun ada satu bagian yg berulang kali terulang dan berbicara padaku kali ini, yaitu sang ibu .. Maria.

Setelah kehebohan yg terjadi *yg sesungguhnya jauh sebelumnya dia sudah tau*, Alkitab mencatat =

“Tetapi Maria menyimpan segala perkara itu di dalam hatinya dan merenungkannya.”(Lukas 2:19)

Hal yg sangat bertentangan dengan para wanita pada umumnya, *ok, setiap wanita berbeda* anggaplah aku, hal yg tidak heboh saja – bisa jadi heboh karena aku, apalagi hal yg sudah heboh – sepertinya mustahil bagiku tuk menyimpan dalam hati dan merenungkannya. Most of the time, reaksi pertama ku terhadap kehebohan adalah membuatnya semakin heboh, bukannya memikirkannya terlebih dahulu.

Bagian Alkitab selanjutnya pun mencatat, ketika Yesus yg berumur 12 tahun – stayed di Yerusalem - hilang dari pandangan orang tua-nya, ketika setelah 3 hari baru “ketemu” dengan Yesus, ternyata Yesus asik mengajar di Yerusalem, sebagai Ibu, Maria bertanya “kenapa bikin kami kuatir?”. Yesus jawab, “Loh, disini kan rumah BapaKu”, entah apa perasaan Maria saat itu, namun sekali lagi Alkitab mencatat = “But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.” (Lukas 2:51)

Wooow!! Mungkin kita ga akan pernah bisa terbayang situasi Maria *anak hilang, 3 hari baru ketemu, ga ada cell phone saat itu*, namun reflecting ke diriku sendiri – seberapa sering, ketika things happen in my life *yg tidak sesuai dengan rencanaku*, terutama ketika hal tsb sulit dimengerti, aku selalu berusaha tuk cari tau – figure it out right away, get it fixed and back to my plan– pergi ke sana sini – bertanya ke sana ke mari – tanpa terlebih dahulu reflect "kira2 apa yah yg Tuhan mau aku belajar dari ini semua?"

Aku percaya ini bukan berarti Maria adalah wanita kesepian, ga punya temen tuk curhat (kalo bahasa kerennya skrg), nope! Tapi Maria tau kepada siapa dia harus communicate-kan pertama semua things yg terjadi dalam dirinya. Dia tahu kepada siapa dia harus bertanya, and dia jelas tahu posisi dirinya -"I am the Lord's servant, may Your word be to me fulfilled." Luke 1:38

Elisabeth Elliot dalam "Passion and Purity" tulis gini =

But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.

Dari sekian banyaknya pelajaran indah di buku ini, ini salah satu kalimat yg terus aku usahakan to put in into practice. *ingat, 1. Aku cewe tulen. 2. Aku sanguine sejati. Ngerti kan betapa susahnya hal ini? ini pun masi belajar*

Merenungkan dan mengkomunikasikan kepada Tuhan, menolong kita tuk melihat circumstances dari kacamata Allah, mengingat kembali akan janjiNya dan penyertaanNya yang sempurna, dan ingat akan posisi kita :

- kita adalah hamba yg mau taat kepada atasan kita - kita adalah bejana yg mau dibentuk oleh pejunan kita - kita adalah anakNya yg mau dididik menjadi serupa seperti Dia -

One of my 2011 resolutions is to be peaceful in all circumstances (i know, it's hard >.<) Aku menyadari, memasuki tahun yang baru, things might go wrong - unexpected- ga sesuai dengan my plan. Dan Maria memberi teladan - how it is to be peaceful - with those 2 verses, I will say "Be it unto me according to Your word" and I will "treasure all things and ponder them in my heart".

Aku sangat bersyukur Christmas berdekatan dengan New Year *bukan karena liburnya makin panjang*, tapi karena = as the reason we celebrate Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our Savior who brings joy and hope to the world, Christmas always refreshes me and brings hope to enter the new year, like this time :D

Merry Christmas all, and have a peaceful new year!

big girls DO cry, and so do big boys ..

(from my fb notes, March 4th 2010)

Taking shower is one of my fave daily routines.
Well.. gak harus cuma taking shower sih, pokonya bathroom thingy lah ..
I always bring my cell with me (relax, i am not that autis ;p), cuma buat denger lagu kok. :D
So, bathroom is really my "i can sing out loud" and "i can dance whatever" place.
Biasa ketenangan terganggu kalo my brother udah mulai menggedor2 pintu, not because he wants to use it, but because he LOVES to tease me! ggrr... (tapi brother mana who doesn't tease his baby sis, yeah?)

anyway..

Last week, it was a normal morning, *bathing time*, pas lagi sakit gigi, pas lagunya Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry"...
Aku stop sikat gigi sesaat...
Big girls don't cry?!!?? Really?
"Jelas-jelas, I cried pretty bad last nite waktu nonton My Name is Khan pas bagian -------- (sensor, hehe, gak mau spoil ceritanya buat yg blm ntn)" .... *recommended, btw!!*
"I don't agree!"
tapi abis itu mulai mikir2 lagi sih, apakah ini karena "i was being too emotional", or "emang karena the movie was really good.. " hmmm..

Beberapa hari berlanjut setelah itu..

And, it was today .... i was super duper UPSET!!! *krn sesuatu hal tentunya*
I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to get angry and say unwise words for sure, I chose to be silent and not to say anything about it, I ran to my bathroom (pengen mandi soalnya) ...

Ritual biasa, tapi kali ini sikat gigi nya sambil kepengen nangis saking upset-nya, pas kebetulan lagunya "Big Girls Don"t Cry" lagi..
I couldn't cry this time.. and it wasn't good..
I was thinking, "am i being too sanguine? 3 hours ago i super enjoyed watching american idol, and now.. i am really upset."
I wanted to cry, still but I couldn't..and honestly, I was upset for being upset. I didn't like it.
Perasaan ku bercampur antara kesel, kesel karena gak bisa nangis, kesel karena kenapa aku mau nangis!

I decided to continue reading the story about Yusuf.. (haha.. gak kelar2 baca bukunya nih :$)
It's written, " Yusuf adalah orang yang hebat dan berkuasa,tidak disangkal, tetapi ia juga seorang manusia sejati dengan emosi-emosi manusia yang nyata, yang bisa keluar dari lorong kekuasaan dan memiliki kekuatan untuk menangis sejadi-jadinya." (lagi ngebahas how Joseph cried saat dia ngeliat Benjamin).
Begitu juga dengan Daud, Ayub, Elia. Para raksasa iman ini memiliki saat-saat ketika secara emosi meledak di hadapan Allah mereka.

"Seperti semua kita, orang yang hebat, baik pria maupun wanita mengalami saat-saat dalam kehidupan, di mana mereka tidak dapat lagi menahan emosi mereka. Ketenangan sirna dan emosi mengambil kendali. Seringkali kita perlu untuk mengundurkan diri untuk mengembalikan ketenangan."

I really thanked Him to remind me that He actually cares about my feelings and my emotions too. He doesn't look down on them.
I don't have to feel guilty for having those emotions, karena emosi adalah part of me as a human juga.
I can't avoid it, I just have to admit it, and be wise about it.
It's not wrong to be upset, but again, be wise about it, and don't sin.
It's not wrong to cry, not at all.

So, do big girls cry?
oh yeah .. they do! and so do boys :D

unique and precious in His eyes

(from my fb notes, Mar 1st 2010)

I was talking to my dear friend today.. "I wonder how someone could write very encouraging devotionals, so cool yeah."
It stopped there (so I thought!)
I simply just said it to my friend.
But my dear Lord actually did something about it, things that I had "forgotten"..yet they were there.

He remembered, for sure.. that there were times when I said to Him :
"I wish I could play piano like she does."
"I wonder if I could sing as well as her."
"Lord, why I have to be a sanguine, an extreme one? That people notice instantly when I do wrong things. Why Lord?" -seriously, u can be so entertained by a sanguine, but when a sanguine gets tired..ooh poor her-
"Can I be more like her, so feminine and girly?"

You might laugh now..
But, really, there were actually times when I struggled about not accepting myself as I was.
Even worse, I didn't understand why I had to be the ugliest in my group,always? (I could laugh rite now too, but when I was there.. I cried and cried and cried."

I don't know how about you all..
You might have dealt with this stuff (of course, your own versions).. or you might still dealing with this.

I was reminded today, this's how our enemy works:
it encourages us to compare ourselves with someone whom we admire.
When we start feel inadequate, we will no longer attempt anything for His kingdom because of our fear of failure.
Our warped self-images will lead to unhealthy relationships and hinder our abilities to love others.
The more we tell ourselves that we are bad people, not competent, the more easily we will be threatened by others.
And finally, our relationship with God will be affected, we are not satisfied with how God created us.
We are difficult to trust God, pray to Him and read His words.
We begin to believe that we are not important to Him.
This will push us to compulsive striving to please Him through our own accomplishments.
Our works will no longer be motivated by faith, but by a dislike for ourselves.

When I finished reading it, I thanked Him for helping me out from the lies I've been told that I was nothing.
He helped me to see my strengths and my weaknesses.
By His grace and patience, He always tells me how I am precious in His eyes on and on.
And, now..yes.. I can say that I am someone He loves, someone unique.
Though.. I might fail too sometimes.

But, again..I was reminded again today..(from other devotional I read)..
He doesn't want me to stop there...
He wants me to reach out to someone who may feel like he/she doesn't fit in with the others, to take time to encourage him/her uniqueness in Christ.

So, dearestz..
Stop comparing ourselves to others, don't believe the lies, let's embrace who He made us to be, and rejoice in them!
Tell ourselves that we are precious in His eyes, and tell others too :D
Coz," before He formed us in the womb He knew us, before we were born He set us apart."

" God is glorified through His people, and trying to shake off the personality with which He created us is dishonoring to Him. " -Christa Parrish-

(The Screwtape Letters, by C.S.Lewis, and Proverbs 31 ministries' devotional by Christa Parrish)