Find Rest My Soul

Hello, girls :)

I know it's been forever I haven't updated the next chapter of our Preparing to be a Help Meet's journey. Nor any writings about anything :$
If you are expecting this post would be it... I am so sorry, that I will disappoint you.

The last 3 weeks , I've been running on empty. I had driven my car (my own life) until it was out of gas. I had no energy left. I was extremely tired, physically and emotionally. I used to be "a friend you can always talk to" for I always had answers. But, these last weeks, girls, I even couldn't give any suggestion for every simple questions asked to me. My only answer during these weeks was "I will pray for you" - and I know, I know, that's the best thing I can do. 'coz God surely takes care of everything.

If you are like me, tend to do more, serve more. Take care of others (means EVERYONE), not yourself. Push beyond limit. Take any responsibilities (whatever) ... beware, girls!
I am not saying that they are wrong! BUT - don't let them destroy yourself.
I am not suggesting you to be selfish .. NO NO! But, keep everything in balance - and also remember to take care of yourself.
'coz if you happen to reach a point, like me, having no energy left! Drained! You will need to do some radical changes. To re-prioritize your schedule. Or maybe to erase some schedule from your agenda.

I am really thankful that God allowed me to experience all of these, because He knows me really well. If this girl (EYN) still has just a little energy, she won't stop! So, He took everything from me, even thing I do best (talking) - I just couldn't do it. All I did was crying and crying. I felt helpless. I felt like I didn't know myself. I was not being Erlyn.
I experienced what Bill Hybels himself experienced and shared on his book "Fit to be Tied" - emotional depletion.
He wanted me to rest, completely! He showed me and reminded me - one very important thing, that my value is not from what I do, but simply from who I am. Yes, I am His!

I am still recovering now, girls.
Told ya, it's a chronic fatigue. Need a lot of time.
During the recovery time,
I sleep. (I had had restless nights)
I talk to my close friends... I was honest about my conditions, and told them how I needed their care :$ (seriously, I rarely do this... :$)
I spend time on His words.
I read books. I read "Fit to be Tied" again (read it several times before) - the chapter about Emotional Depletion and Living in a Crisis Mode. Thank God for the insight, I experienced everything Bill and Lynn Hybels shared on the book.
I read "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver. Here's the excerpts

You know the story really well - Mary and Martha - to all Marthas in this world, it's a yay and privilege, God calls us to serve in the Kitchen. But, do remember, do first thing first. Take the responsibilities or any services, if they are really God wanted you to do. You don't have to do everything. He might want to use and bless others too to do the services (that you think "I have to do it!!!").

When you start to feel burdensome, ask yourself, "Is there anything I shouldn't do but I still keep doing 'coz I want to please others or it makes me feel good about myself or I think God will love me more doing it?" If it's a yes.. you better quit.
'coz Matthew 11, clearly said ... "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"
Here's the thing, girls, God knows your capacity really well, He knows how much burden you can bear - so you still feel it light and easy. When it is no longer light and easy. Examine, whether it's really from Him. Or is it you, who added the burden (do things that it's not for you to do)?
He loves you, sweetheart, not for what you do - but for who you are.

And, yeah, that's what I've been doing, I've come to Him and He did give me rest :)
I take time to refuel my energy and refresh my soul. And take care of myself. :$
Though, to be honest with you, I can't wait to go back to my track and run fast...but No No... I want His track, His pace!
There is no way I can bless others if I run low (or empty). So, it's completely fine to rest. (haha..you would be surprised if I tell you that I sometimes feel guilty to rest..)
I learnt that it doesn't mean I am less productive when I slow down, it means that I prepare myself for a better one, the one God chooses me to do - not I, myself, choose to do.

So, what's next, eyn? I don't know!
What I do know, I want to follow His instructions. A step by step instruction.
And most importantly, aaah!
I know, when I don't know what to do, God always knows! It's more than enough :)
'coz sometimes, He just wants me to do nothing, but to enjoy Him and His blessings :D

when God brings back my past

April 6th, 2011

Are u familiar with “I hope he is my first and my last”, girls? I believe most of us ever had that thought! At least, I did!

Krn, tentu-nya pada umumnya, ketika kita commit tuk menjalani suatu hubungan, kita berharap kalo the relationship will last.. *I am talking about serious relationship * I am pretty sure, kita ga ada rencana putus!

But, the thing is tidak semua orang berkesempatan menikah dgn her first boyfriend.

Tidak semua orang berkesempatan mengetahui (dan mengerti) sejak dia kecil – ketika apa yg namanya “cinta” sudah mulai menaburkan benihnya di hati – bahwa pacaran itu untuk something serious – bukan hanya sekedar “teman saya sudah punya pacar, saya juga harus!” – or - bukan karena “kalo saya tidak pacaran, tar dipikir saya tidak laku, so lebih baik saya terima siapapun yg nembak saya” – atau - “masa saya harus sendirian pas attend sweet 17th party or prom nite?” – ataupun – karena “kata orang, hidup hanya sekali, jadi explore lah selagi kamu bisa, toh ga ada ruginya pacaran”.

Tidak semua orang berkesempatan diajarkan ataupun mendengar pengalaman pahit dari orang yg lebih tua bahwa “pacaran hanya dengan fondasi suka sama suka (baca = cinta sejati) itu tetap ada kesempatan putus” … dan tidak semua orang, for sure, mengetahui dari awal bahwa yg dibilang “lebih baik sakit gigi daripada sakit hati” itu adalah FAKTA!

Ya, beberapa orang, atau mungkin sebagian besar orang menikah dengan pacar-nya yg kesekian.

*Untuk-ku pribadi tentunya, I hope he is my second and my last. *

Bagiku, “berkesempatan” saying “he was my first and certainly not my last” adalah masa2 pergumulan dan kehancuran terhebat *sejauh ini* setelah kematian my grannie.

Seminggu belakangan ini, karena satu hal, membuat pikiranku cukup kacau ttg my relationship skrg *dan actually, membuat hatiku cukup sakit*, not being able to share my feelings with anyone,

(“Many times I have been forced to my knees, realizing there was no other place to go”. –Abraham Lincoln-)

aku menuangkan hatiku dan menceritakan semuanya ke Tuhan – dari yg tidak tau apa2 *mengapa, apa dan bagaimana”, pelan-pelan dia bukakan “what’s actually going on with me?”

it’s not that my relationship was in trouble, tapi justru karena my relationship skrg is such a blessing, and I thank about it everyday-lah, aku jadi "kacau".

Then, aku realized, yg membuat-ku luar biasa kacau, adalah karena aku takut gagal! Aku takut kalo segala sesuatu yg indah harus berakhir dst… PARNO abiz :$ aku yang “huhu, mengapa harus ada yg namanya kegagalan di masa lalu? Kalo harus gagal, mengapa aku harus pacaran at the first place“

I felt helpless, I shouted… “I NEED HELP!!”

And what amazing God He is, saat itu juga, aku buka “My Utmost for His Highest”, and u wouldn’t believe what’s written there……

Never be afraid when God brings back your past. Let your memory have its way with you. It is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you. God will turn what might have been into a wonderful lesson of growth for the future.

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Seketika itu juga, badaiku Dia tenangkan.. Dia, Allah yg menjawab kegalauan hatiku when I needed it the most – Dia reminded me once again, "everything is under My control, Eyn!"

Dear, girls, of course, “sepertinya” semua akan lebih indah – bila tidak pernah ada yg namanya hancur hati karena putus cinta, namun bukan berarti hidup kita akan hancur berantakan, dan kita tidak akan punya next relationship yg jauh lebih indah.

*aku bilang “sepertinya”, karena aku tidak lagi mengerti apa itu rasanya kalo aku tidak pernah mengalami patah hati, yg ku rasakan saat ini adalah Tuhan sungguh bekerja luar biasa sepanjang hidupku – walau aku tidak berkesempatan to have my first boyfriend to be my last. *

Mungkin saja, seandainya saat itu (13 tahun yang lalu), aku tidak membiarkan perasaan hati bergejolak menguasai pikiranku *kalo P. Tong bilang – pacaran masa remaja adalah pacaran paling murni, karena mereka hanya lihat cinta, bukan karir, bukan kedudukan, bukan materi. Dan aku meng-AMIN-i hal itu* -- seandainya saat itu, aku bisa konsul dulu ke hamba Tuhan – or seandainya saat itu, aku taat ke mama “masi kecil, jangan pacaran dulu!” – mungkin aku tidak perlu mengalami hancur hati!

BUT GOD, Dia Allah yang bekerja dalam segala sesuatu * baik dalam kesalahanku * untuk mendatangkan kebaikan bagiku.(Roma 8:28)

I am not suggesting you to “kalo gitu, coba aja, pacaran lah – toh kalo salah, Tuhan bekerja kok!!!” NO!!!!

yg aku mau katakan adalah, walaupun kita gagal – selalu ada yg Tuhan mampu kerjakan tuk mendatangkan kebaikan bagi kita.

Yes, ada kesalahan, ada konsekuensi, ada sakit parah~~! Tapi ketika kita mau bertekuk lutut – menyerah di hadapan Tuhan, Dia akan mengganti tangis kita menjadi sukacita besar.

Kegagalanku membuatku menyadari – bahwa cinta yg murni sekalipun tidak cukup untuk menjaga suatu relationship, hanya Allah-lah yg mampu. Ya, I did put my confidence in my love, not in Him.

Pengalaman ku berpacaran masa remaja, membuatku mampu bilang ke adik2ku di remaja …”mengapa sebaiknya tidak pacaran saat remaja, bukan karena cici jago secara teori, tapi karena cici pernah praktek secara langsung dan cici harus bayar mahal.”

Hancur-nya hatiku membuatku melihat mujizat Tuhan yg luar biasa – dari sebuah hati yg sepertinya tidak ada harapan untuk pulih, menjadi sebuah hati baru yg mampu mengasihi kembali. I said it again, for me, it’s a miracle.

Aku experienced setiap kata dari lagu “Sentuh Hatiku” *lagu2 di awal putus cinta*

Betapa ku mencintai segala yg tlah terjadi, tak pernah sendiri jalani hidup ini selalu menyertai.

Betapa ku menyadari, di dalam hidupku ini, Kau selalu memberi rancangan yg terbaik oleh karena kasih.

Bapa, sentuh hatiku, ubah hidupku menjadi yg baru, bagai emas yg murni Kau membentuk bejana hatiku

Bapa, ajar ku mengerti semua kasih yg selalu memberi, bagai air mengalir, yg tiada pernah berhenti.

Dan, kesempatan ku menjadi single lagi – adalah masa2 Tuhan menyatakan kembali nilai dirku di hadapanNya, siapa aku, dan apa yg Dia mau kerjakan dalam hidupku. *nah, ini juga kenapa, adik2ku sayang, kenapa cici anjurkan “jgn pacaran dulu skrg” – krn kalian butuh waktu tuk kenal dirimu …. * dan really, aku sangat bersyukur akan hal ini.

So, dear girls…..dimanapun posisi mu saat ini…

Entah kamu masi mampu berharap that your guy would be your first and last… bersyukurlah akan that privilege, ikuti waktu Tuhan karena saat ini adalah redeeming time, waktu yg tidak akan pernah kembali.

Atau…

Kamu baru saja mengucapkan “selamat jalan cita2ku” – ijinkan Tuhan masuk dalam hati-mu dan meng-operasi bagian terintim dalam hidup mu. Don’t let other man to fix your heart, it is His!

Here’s why = hanya Tuhan yg mampu mengobati hati kita, karena Dia lah yg created it. AND, you want to love your next guy with hatimu yg utuh – bukan dengan hatimu yg hancur. Kalo Justin Bieber bilang “I just need somebody to love!” yeah .. we need somebody to love, TAPI, dgn hati yg sudah mengampuni – dgn hati yg sudah dipulihkan – dgn hati yg siap tuk mengasihi dgn kasih yg murni.

It took me years ..haha (well, waktu semua orang tidak sama). Awal2, aku tutup hatiku – I let Him to operate it, and pada saat it’s ready – aku ikut maunya Dia – dan aku merasakan lagi indahnya mengasihi seperti cinta pertama…

(bahkan dengan lebih indah, karena hatiku semakin terasah to memancarkan kasih yg lebih murni *dan Allah tidak pernah berhenti bekerja, I constantly pray to Him to purify my heart so I could love unselfishly* )

Lupakan yg dunia bilang "satu2 caranya tuk melupakan mantan pacar adalah dengan mendapat pacar baru" -- itu berarti, kita membawa luka ke dalam suatu hubungan yg baru. You don't want that!

Really, girls, Dia mampu melakukan miracle dalam hati kita!! He is the Creator! And, ur man (ur future husband) deserves hati kita yg utuh dan yg sudah dipulihkan. It’s not his job, once again I would say, to fix your heart. Serahkan kepada ahlinya, the Creator!

Atau…

Kamu (seperti aku) sedang tahap mendoakan cowo kedua-mu, or ketiga, or seterusnya to be your last! Jadikan kegagalan / kesalahan / pengalaman kita to menjadi sthing really wonderful for our future. Don’t be afraid and ga perlu pula menyesali “kenapa aku bodoh dulu? Kenapa aku salah dulu?” – dan - marilah, ajarilah adik2 kita kegagalan / kesalahan / pengalaman kita. Karena, really, there are reasons mengapa kita harus mengalami itu semua, buat ku, salah satunya – supaya aku bisa share things kepada adik2ku yg kukasihi – dan nanti kelak ke anak2ku.

DAN …

Kalau kamu adalah anak2 sekolah minggu cici……………… Cerita2 ke cici ;) ayuk!

<3 All by His grace <3

it's soooo not about me..

February 13th, 2011

This weekend, I was given a wonderful opportunity - mission trip ke 1 sekolah di cianjur. *thanks to my friend, Poty, tuk ngajakin, itu bener2 bukan suatu kebetulan we "talked" di bbm dari pagi*. Sejujurnya, pada awalnya aku ga clear dgn what I should do, pokonya aku joined dgn pemikiran "I will help with anything there". Karena 1 dan lain hal, aku jadi "kebagian tugas" tuk mimpin 2 jam acara dsana, which I loved! haha~~! But still, I was clueless dgn situasi in the field -berapa banyak orang yg akan kami layani - gmana kondisi mereka - , bahkan I had no idea ttg gereja yg adain the trip. Yg aku tau hanya - it's a korean church, yg punya visi tuk Indonesia..

For me, it's a wow and a wake up call, kalo orang asing punya kerinduan Indonesia penuh kemuliaan Tuhan, sedangkan aku yg actually live here and interact with the people sometimes terlena dengan "kenikmatan" hidupku.. it was one of the reasons too why I wanted to join, "Tuhan.. mereka punya hati 'tuk Indonesia!"

Kami berangkat really early in the morning, dgn rencana bisa sampe dsana at least sblm lunch to prepare things sblm acara – jam 2. But, it was Saturday.. and uowoow.. macet >.< kita coba lewat jalan alternatif.. and tradaaadaa... teteeep >.

Sampe sana jam 1 (remember! aku clueless dgn situasi - padahal aku hoped sampe sana earlier to at least "get to know"..tapi oh well) Tiba disana, di aula full with unfamiliar faces, none of them I knew.. haha! There were 40(?) Koreans ..and anak2 Indo dari gereja itu yg sehari sblmnya sudah dsana. They just finished their lunch, were sitting in groups. Cukup ricuh tuk ruangan yg cukup panas.

We (yg baru menyusul hari Sabtu) had quick lunch, setelah itu aku berusaha cari tau entah kepada siapa, at least, aku mau tau "aku bakal 'beracara' dmana". And it turned out, tetep aja – ga jelas.. haha! But I was prepared..krn aku datang dgn, "Tuhan, biar Tuhan yg atur ntar jadinya gmana supaya setiap perkataanku itu jadi 'kata Tuhan' .. bukan ‘kata Erlyn'!"

Jam 2 kurang, Ibu Gembala asked me to sing.. (aku masi ga ngeh harus apa, masi ga kenal siapa2 – kecuali temen semobil…) tapi aku pikir, "ok, I know the song…" tapi tetep, aku ga ngerti .. napa aku harus nyanyi.. haha! Then, aku nanya … "Bu, saya nyanyi buat apa ini yah?"

"Supaya mereka bisa tenang (the Koreans and anak2 Indo itu) and bersiap acara sudah mau mulai!"

Aku baru sadar …. It was 1.55pm.. and anak2 daerah sana (yang akan kami layani) sebagian sudah menunggu di depan aula.

I sang… sambil "menunggu perintah selanjutnya"… Then, Ibu Gembala took another microphone and started to talk….sing and pray:

The very simple sentence yg mengiang2 terus di pikiranku sampai saat ini,

"2 jam ini bukan tentang kita, tetapi tentang jiwa!"

"untuk 2 jam kedepan .. kita fokus bukan ke diri kita….."

Aku yakin maksud "hanya 2 jam" itu adalah to get the attention and to remind semua yg melayani hari itu .. bahwa setidaknya 2 jam ini "layanilah Tuhan dan jiwa2 dengan sepenuh hatimu…"

Tapi bagiku, perkataan 2" jam" itu mengingatkanku , bahwa hidupku – seumur hidupku bukan tentang diriku, tetapi tentang jiwa … tentang Tuhan dipermuliakan dalam hidupku. Bukan untuk dilayani, tetapi untuk melayani… Bukan untuk dikasihi, tetapi untuk mengasihi..

"Aduh ini super too much to take in …" seumuuuuuuur hidup? I know!

Membayangkan seumur hidup, really ga kebayang ..

That’s why .. aku sangat suka dgn "2 jam" itu..

At least, untuk "2 jam kedepan" kita bisa sungguh2 melayani dengan sepenuh hati, akal budi dan kekuatan kita.

Hidup kita terdiri dari detik - menit - jam - hari - bulan - dan tahun..

Itu berarti, akan ada "2 jam-2 jam" lainnya, tuk kita jadikan kesempatan melayani dan memberi.

Mari kita belajar tuk setia dalam segala perkara, tuk beri terbaik dalam setiap kesempatan "2 jam" yg Tuhan anugrahkan bagi kita, tuk fokus kepada orang lain bukan kepada diri kita sendiri.

One step a time, one chance at a time, but be aware not to miss any chances.

Di penutupan mission trip, Pak Gembala bilang "the mission tidak berakhir.. it just started!". Oh, I totally agree....!

Apapun panggilan kita, itulah ladang kita. Kita semua full-timer :D 24/7 kita adalah utusanNya di tempat kita masing2 yg telah Tuhan tempatkan. *wherever we are, whatever we do.

Kembali, tuk berdoa "hidupku bukan tentangku, Tuhan" adalah suatu komitmen yg besar.

Mungkin kita bisa belajar tuk berdoa .. "Tuhan aku mau hidupku bukan tentangku, I know it's a big thing, Lord, tapi ini yg kurindukan. Dan saat ini Tuhan, 8 jam ke depan ketika aku bekerja hari ini di kantor ini, aku fokus kepada jiwa - bukan kepada diriku...

... 5 menit ke depan ketika aku nyanyi di mimbar, ini tentang jiwa - dan Tuhan dipermuliakan...

... 20 menit ke depan ketika aku menyambut jemaatMu di pintu muka gereja......

.... 30 menit ke depan ketika aku berdoa untuk bangsa ini...

.. Help me to see setiap opportunity dan bentuk hati ku supaya peka... "

" I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest." -Jesus Christ-

i am glad He allowed me to do the work!

October 25th 2010

Minggu lalu, aku sungguh berasa overwhelmed! - dgn begitu banyak hal yg aku harus kerjakan, juga secara emosi!- Ingin rasanya aku mundur dari segala sesuatu dan menjadi begitu egois.. "i want to do things for myself" - which actually gak salah juga, sekali2 kita butuh waktu untuk diri sendiri = "memanjakan" diri. Btw, dalam kamusku "memanjakan diri" berarti beristirahat, dan tidak melakukan apa2 on weekend *coz there is no way bisa do nothing on normal weekdayz*. Yg padahal adalah hal yg wajar2 aja, karena toh emang kita butuh istirahat!

Alarm -"cape"meter- ku itu sudah rusak dari bertahun2 yg lalu - aku tidak pernah sadar aku cape- sampe2 aku bisa nangis - or freak out - or demand everybody's attention over small things! ; itu berarti Erlyn sedang cape dan butuh istirahat! Aku baru sadar karena weekend kmrn itu aku merepotkan begitu banyak orang hanya to help me decide what dress I should wear to my friends' weddings! (yes, with s, i got 3 weddings last Sat). - itu hari Jumat- dan berlanjut Sabtu pagi, aku jadi "mengeluh" dan mempertanyakan banyak hal, "why me?!" "why should I do this?!" "I don't think I can do this!" "It's too much!" "I want to quit!" dan jadi berujung2, started to worry about other tasks and responsibilities yg masi menantiku, en "NOOOOOO~~~!!!"

Dan bersyukur tuk temanku yg meluruskan "otak"ku sedikit, she reminded me devotional we both read the previous day *ooh, how God has prepared me to face that day!* just DO THE WORK!

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1 Chronicles 28:20 "Be strong and courageous and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

Whenever I started to get discouraged or overwhelmed by the hugeness of the task, I reminded myself: Do the work—three little words that got me through one of the biggest challenges of my life. Perhaps you need to hear those three little words today.

Make no mistake: sometimes the work will be hard. Note that our verse today didn't say "Lay around and hope things get better." The challenge we face is not in focusing on how hard the work is, but in seeking the God who has promised to show up as we work. We offer our best efforts and trust that He will multiply them. We will see Him supply the words, the resources, the energy, the time, the patience, the grace we need. But first we must do the work. Just like the priests had to first step into the water before the Jordan could part in Joshua 3:15-16, so we must begin working before we can see the solution appear.

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(From Proverbs 31 Ministries' Devotional by Marybeth Whalen "Do The Work")

I was about to change my facebook's status to be "I am officially exhausted and burnt out" that morning, and I was glad I didn't! 'coz last Saturday turned out to be "I love what I am doing" day.. dan aku melihat bahwa tidak hanya aku suka apa yg aku kerjakan *dan aku sangat bersyukur aku mengerjakannya*, tapi He was the source of my strength. Oh yeah, aku tidak dalam keadaan 100% fit to be honest with you, tapi aku sungguh merasakan betapa He supplied the words, the resources, the energy, the time, the patience, the grace I needed that day~ So, really.. it's not because of me..! Not so I can boast about my abilities, but so I can boast in Him. It's Him who is faithful to His words that all I need to do is DO THE WORK, and let Him take care of other things!

That day, I was really thankful kalo aku luar biasa cape, yet I kept doing the work, coz He reminded me once again.. a prayer I once prayed to Him 3 years ago *i had it on my blog* :

Lord, help me to remember it’s not by my power, nor by my might, but by Your spirit that I accomplish anything worthwhile.

i will run to You and i will keep on doing it

Biar bagaimanapun, aku selalu paksakan hari Minggu bisa “tidur siang”. Emang paling ideal kalo bisa sampe di rumah cukup siang, jadi bener2 actually "tidur" di "siang" hari. Tapi hampir setiap Minggu, pasti aja ada hal yang aku kerjakan, dan kemarin aku sampe rumah jam 5.
Karena aku punya cita2 mulia untuk napping + emang teler bgt, aku tetep tidur!!! Jam 6…lalu bangun jam 8! haha :$

Bangun2, mama and Rieza lagi asik nonton “Indonesia Mencari Bakat”, kalo lagi iklan, pindah ke “Take Me Out”. Aku langsung lari ke mejaku, buka laptop, nyalain Itunes, ambil Alkitab, siap2 mau bible reading..
Tapi ooh…tidur pules 2 jam, dtambah agak2 laper, dtambah si Brandddoooon di Trans TV, and Mas Choky di Indosiar, bener2 bikin gak konsen lah untuk mulai baca Alkitab.. haha :$ *itulah mengapa, aku selalu semangat 45 untuk bangun super pagi, or tidur super malem, supaya punya waktu tenang dan juga supaya aku punya waktu untuk keluargaku*

Then, akirnya aku putuskan pasang earpiece..supaya lebih tenang!
Aku bersyukur dengan segala “kerusuhan” di luar, sehingga memaksaku konsen cuma denger lagu di Itunes, pas lagi lagu “I will run to You”

Your eye is on the sparrow and Your hand, it comforts me
From the ends of the Earth to the depth of my heart
Let Your mercy and strength be seen
You call me to Your purpose as angels understand
For Your glory, may You draw all men as Your love and grace demand
And I will run to You to Your words of truth
Not by might, not by power but by the Spirit of God
Yes I will run the race ‘til I see Your face
Oh let me live in the glory of Your grace

Ini lagu yg sangat kunikmati ketika SMP, lagu pertama yang “aku bisa” dari kaset Hillsong pertamaku. Dan ini juga lagu kedua (or ketiga?) yg dinyanyiin ama vocal grup'ku yg awalnya cuma ber-4.

Aku jadi menyadari satu hal yang indah mengenai lagu pujian. Dengan mendengar dan actually menyanyikan lagu pujian, untuk aku pribadi, membuatku mengenang dan merefleksi banyak hal. Selain tentunya, most of the time selalu ada yang Tuhan mau sampaikan melalui pujian itu.

Sejak kecil, aku suka sekali dengan musik. Hadiah pertama dari papa waktu aku umur 3 tahun adalah cassette tape player. Bukan karena aku hobi nyanyi dulu, tapi karena aku hobi bergoyang *aku gak menyebut, goyang kiri kanan anak umur 3 tahun sebagai menari tentunya*.
Setelah udah bisa baca, dan ke sekolah minggu, baru deh mulai hobi2 ngafal lagu dan nyanyi dengan suara seadanya!! Hanya bernyanyi, tanpa terlalu ngerti apa yg aku nyanyiin..

Menyanyi menjadi lebih dari sekitar menyanyi, sejak aku sungguh2 terima Kristus, naik SMP 1. Awal2 ngerti yang namanya saat teduh itu, bagiku doa+nyanyi+baca Alkitab adalah 1 paket! Indah :D
Sampai sekarangpun, ketika aku lagi “tidak tahu harus bagaimana lagi”, tidak punya kata2 untuk berdoa karena terlalu sedih sehingga tidak bisa bicara lagi *namun sungguh bersyukur, karena kita punya Roh Kudus yg selalu berdoa bagi kita Roma 8:26*, aku selalu berdiam diri dan mendengar lagu.
“Repeat” merupakan fave button ku saat2 begitu, aku biasa mendengar lagu berulang-ulang, sampai aku bisa lebih clear dengan kondisi ku, bisa lebih tenang, menangis dan akirnya mencurahkan semua isi hatiku ke Tuhan. Itulah mengapa, banyak lagu-lagu yang punya kenangan khusus denganku, dan ketika mendengarnya lagi, aku jadi ingat masa2 aku tumpah ruah di hadapan Tuhan, dan ketika melihat ke belakang, aku jadi melihat bagaimana Dia menjawab doaku.

Nah, lagu “I will run to You” membuatku mengenang kembali masa awal2 aku kenal Tuhan dan melayani Dia di SMP.
Lagu ini telah membuat seorang erlyn kelas 2 SMP berasa special, karena sungguh Tuhan memperhatikan dia sampai kedalaman hatinya. Walaupun waktu itu masalah mungkin masi belum terlalu complicated, gak jauh2, "hanya" masalah dengan teman..namun aku sangat2 takjub mengetahui bahwa ada Allah yang begitu mengerti diriku lebih dari siapapun. Burung kecil saja begitu Tuhan perhatikan, terlebih aku.
Lagu ini juga selalu membuat 14 tahun erlyn amazed, “wah Tuhan pilih eyn toh?!” dan selalu membuat erlyn kecil *yg fyi, tinggi badannya gak berubah sampai sekarang huhu* ngerasa…”senangnya bisa cari Tuhan apapun kondisi eyn!”

Dan hari ini, lagu ini mengingatkan ku pada teman2 sepelayananku dulu dan juga pada panggilan ku secara pribadi lagi.
Yes I will run the race
‘til I see Your face

Hampir setengah dari usiaku, aku menjalani hidup bersama Dia.. dan aku menyadari, aku masi berada di sebuah pertandingan.

Saat masi di persekutuan dulu, seakan pertandingan tuh lebih jelas jalurnya. Setelah kepengurusan tahun ini selesai, tinggal “digumuli” masi “mau” lanjut gak di kepengurusan tahun depan. Seakan semuanya tersedia bagi kita, tinggal jalani aja. Kita juga punya pembimbing. Jaman SMP-SMA dulu, sepertinya girang banget kalo 1 tahun telah berlalu, dan kita “naek kelas”, pindah ke babak baru, pertandingan baru. Dan enaknya saat itu kita selalu bersama.
Dan tentunya, itu sangat wajar untuk para bayi rohani, kita makan sesuatu yang telah disediakan, kita dibimbing, kita dilayani *walaupun kita juga melayani, namun kita sungguh2 sangat dilayani saat itu*

Saat ini kondisi udah berbeda, hampir semua teman sepelayananku punya dunianya sendiri, melayani di tempat dan bidang masing2. *puji Tuhan!!*
Dan sekarang, yang Tuhan minta juga berbeda, bukan kepengurusan 1 atau 2 tahun *well, mungkin sebagian dari kita masi ada sih*, yang kalau udah kelar bisa mikir2 lagi mau lanjut atau gak, ibaratnya komitmennya bisa temporary. Kali ini semakin bertumbuh dan dewasa di dalam Dia, sungguh jelas, melayani bukan sekedar menjadi bagian dari organisasi. Melayani adalah hidup kita, bagian dari hubungan kita dengan Tuhan. Sesuatu yang tidak dapat dipisahkan dari keseharian kita. Bisa dimanapun, kapanpun, dengan cara apapun.
Dan sampai kapan? 1-2 tahun? Sampai saya bosan? Sampai saya gak punya waktu lagi, karena saya sibuk bekerja? Sampai saya menikah kelak dan waktu saya hanya untuk keluarga?
No!!
Sampai kita bertemu Dia, muka dengan muka!

Teman2, saat ini each of us punya our own race as in bidang pelayanan, bidang kehidupan, tempat dan panggilan. Walaupun sejujurnya aku sangat merindukan kalian *berharap bisa kembali melayani bersama2*, aku percaya Tuhan telah persiapkan kita bersama2 saat itu dan saat ini Dia memanggil kita di tempat kita masing2, mari tetap setia sampai akhir dan saling mendoakan!

Namun, ada 1 race yg selalu kita share bersama yaitu race kehidupan kita bersama dengan Tuhan, hidup yang semakin hari semakin dekat dengan Dia, semakin memancarkan kemuliaan Tuhan, dan yang terus menjadi saksi bagi kerajaanNya dimanapun kita ditempatkan.
Sampai kita bertemu Dia, muka dengan muka!

Inilah doaku, biarlah pada akhirnya, kita semua mampu berkata seperti Rasul Paulus:
Aku telah mengakhiri pertandingan yang baik, aku telah mencapai garis akhir dan aku telah memelihara iman.

mari mendengar :D

Siapa saja yang ingin melayani Tuhan haruslah mempunyai kebiasaan untuk mendengarkan apa yang dikatakan orang lain, dan juga bukan hanya asal mendengarkan saja, tetapi mendengarkan dengan penuh perhatian dan mengerti apa yang dikatakan.

Kita harus dapat membedakan tiga hal:
Kata-kata yang diucapkan lawan bicara.
Kata-kata yang dijaga lawan bicara supaya tidak diucapkan.
Kata-kata yang tidak dapat diucapkan lawan bicara yang terdapat jauh di dalam hatinya.

Pertama, untuk mengetahui apa sebenarnya yang dikatakan oleh orang itu, kita perlu memperhatikan terus sampai mengerti apa yang dikehendakinya. Ini berarti kita harus berdiam diri di hadapan Allah supaya pikiran kita tenang dan jiwa kita tenang, karena mendengar itu bukanlah merupakan soal yang mudah.
Kalau kita tidak didisiplin baik, maka kita akan bosan mendengar cerita-cerita yang dicurahkan ke telinga kita oleh orang-orang yang sedang membutuhkan kita dan jauh sebelum mereka berhenti berbicara kita sudah berhenti mendengarkan dan kemudian menarik kesimpulan yang kurang masak mengenai kesulitan mereka. Atau sudah sejak semula kita tidak begitu memperhatikan apa yang mereka katakan kepada kita, oleh karena kita begitu mementingkan apa yang hendak kita sampaikan kepada mereka.
Seringkali terjadi bahwa seorang pekerja yang baru saja merenungkan suatu pokok rohani, pikirannya begitu diliputi dengan hal itu sehingga kalau ada seorang saudara seiman yang dalam kesusahan datang mencari dia untuk meminta tolong, segera pekerja itu mengemukan apa yang tadi direnungkannya.

Kedua, kita harus dapat mengetahui hal apa saja yang disembunyikan, yang diusahakan supaya tidak disampaikan.
Kalau kita mau dengan tepat menafsirkan apa yang terdapat di balik apa yang dikatakan orang itu, maka hubungan kita dengan Tuhan haruslah erat sekali. Kalau orang dalam kesukaran itu membicarakan kesulitannya hanya secara dangkal saja, dan menutup mulut mengenai persoalannya yang penting, bagaimana kita dapat mengetahui keadaannya? Kita dapat mengetahuinya kalau persoalan kita sendiri sudah jernih dan beres di hadapan Tuhan.

Ketiga, kita harus dapat mengetahui dengan tepat apa yang sebenarnya yang sedang dikatakan oleh jiwanya, di balik kata-kata yang diucapkan dan kata-kata yang mungkin dijaga supaya tidak diucapkan oleh jiwanya. Apabila seorang Kristen yang dalam kesusahannya, membuka mulut dan bicara, jiwanya juga turut berbicara. Kenyataan bahwa dia bersedia untuk berbicara mengenai dirinya sendiri, memberi kesempatan kepada kita untuk menggugah jiwanya.
Kesanggupan kita untuk membedakan apa yang sedang dikatakan oleh jiwanya tergantung pada banyaknya pengalaman rohani kita sendiri. Kalau kita sudah memperoleh cukup pengertian melalui pengalaman hati kita di hadapan Allah, maka kita akan dapat membedakan kata-kata yang diucapkan oleh saudara seiman itu, kata-kata yang dijaga supaya tidak diucapkan dan kata-kata yang diucapkan jauh di dalam lubuk hatinya.
Kalau kita tidak dapat mendengar apa yang dikatakan orang itu, bagaimana dapat kita mendengarkan apa yang akan dikatakan oleh Allah?

Walaupun kita membaca Alkitab dengan rajin dan merupakan guru-guru besar Alkitab dan juga efektif dalam berbagai bidang pekerjaan, tetapi kalau tidak belajar mendengarkan, dan mendengarkan dengan penuh pengertian, kita masih juga tidak akan sanggup melayani saudara-saudara seiman yang sedang dalam kesukaran.

Bagaimana kita dapat memperoleh kesanggupan untuk mendengarkan orang serta mengerti apa yang mereka katakan?
1. Kita tidak boleh bersikap subjektif. Bagaimana mungkin seorang pekerja dapat memperhatikan apa yang diceritakan orang-orang lain mengenai kebutuhannya, kalau sebelum mereka membuka mulut, dia sudah yakin bahwa dia mengetahui kesukaran-kesukaran mereka dan sudah siap dengan obatnya?
Kita harus mengesampingkan prasangka-prasangka dan kesimpulan-kesimpulan kita dan supaya Tuhan sendiri yang memberi petunjuk supaya kita dapat memberikan diagnosa yang benar bagi setiap persoalan.
2. Kita tidak boleh menjadi bingung dan pelupa. Banyak orang-orang percaya yang tidak tahu apa-apa mengenai disiplin mental. Siang dan malam pikiran mereka bekerja dengan tidak putus-putusnya. Mereka tidak pernah memusatkan pikiran, tetapi hanya membiarkan khayalan mereka mengembara kesana kemari sampai pikiran mereka demikian penuh dengan berbagai hal sehingga pikiran mereka sudah tidak dapat menerima apa-apa lagi.
Penting sekali untuk kita belajar menenangkan pikiran kita, sehingga kita dapat mendengar dan menerima apa yang dikatakan kepada kita.
3. Kita harus belajar menyelami perasaan orang lain. SIMPATI!
Kalau kehidupan emosi kita belum dikendalikan Allah sehingga kalau ada orang yang bersukacita, kita tidak dapat menyambutnya dengan riang, dan apabila mereka mengemukan kesulitan-kesulitan mereka, kita tidak dapat ikut serta dalam kesusahannya itu. Tuntunan Allah daripada orang-orang yang melayani Dia berat sekali. Kita tidak mempunyai waktu luang untuk memikirkan diri sendiri saja. Kalau kita hanya memperhatikan kesenangan dan kesedihan kita, apa yang kita suka dan apa yang tidak, maka kita menjadi terlalu sibuk untuk dapat dengan leluasa memperhatikan keadaan orang-orang lain.

Kebutuhan yang fundamental daripada setiap orang yang ikut serta dalam pekerjaan Tuhan, ialah mengenal Salib, mengalaminya. Kalau tidak, maka kita akan diselubungi dengan diri kita sendiri serta dikendalikan oleh pikiran dan perasaan kita sendiri saja.

Itu tidak berarti bahwa kita membiarkan orang bicara terus berjam-jam, sedangkan kita hanya duduk diam dan mendengarkan, tetapi hal itu berarti bahwa kita memberikan mereka kesempatan yang cukup untuk menjelaskan apa yang terdapat dalam hati mereka.

Ada pendapat salah yang lazim terdapat di antara pekerja-pekerja Kristus. Mereka mengira bahwa kebutuhan yang utama adalah kepandaian berbicara. Jauh dari itu! Untuk menjadi pekerja yang efektif kita harus jelas mengenai keadaan rohani kita; kita harus dapat membedakan keadaan orang-orang yang datang mencari kita; supaya dapat mendengarkan persoalan yang mereka kemukan kita memerlukan pikiran yang terang dan ketenangan roh supaya kita dapat meraba dan merasakan keadaan mereka, hal-hal yang tidak dapat mereka lukiskan. Kita sendiri harus tetap mempunyai hubungan yang baik dengan Tuhan, supaya dengan keadaan diri kita yang jernih dan beres kita dapat dengan jelas membedakan kebutuhan-kebutuhan orang-orang lain dan atas dasar diagnosa yang jelas dapatlah kita menyediakan obat yang khusus diperlukan oleh tiap-tiap persoalan itu.

Selamat mendengarkan dengan perhatian :$

Diambil dari buku karangan Watchman Nee, PEKERJA KRISTUS, Mendengarkan dengan Perhatian.

the foolish.the weak.the base.the NOBODY

God uses 'nobodies'

God doesn't take the majority of His workers from the ranks of the wise, mighty or noble. First Corinthians 1:26 says, "For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called."

Continuing in 1 Corinthians 1, verse 27, "But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen."

Paul says to get His job done, God uses things which are foolish, things which are weak, things which are base, things which are despised.

The Foolish

God is able to work through the non-intellectual things in this world. D. L. Moody was an uneducated and uncultured man. With no educational advantages, he established the Moody Press, Moody Bible Institute, the Moody radio stations, and the list goes on. He's an example that God's power is not resident in our wisdom. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise.

The Weak

Weary, feeble, powerless... Sometimes when we feel physically or spiritually weak, we're tempted to take a "time-out," thinking that God will use us again when we are stronger. In Judges 6, we're introduced to Gideon who was taking a "time-out." It was wartime, and Gideon was hiding when an angel of the Lord appeared to tell him that he would be the one to save Israel. Imagine Gideon's astonishment: "How can I save Israel? Lord, I come from a nobody family, and I'm the lowest nobody in my family. And You're going to use me?"

After God enlisted the nobody Gideon, He got a nobody army. Then God took those nobodies and won the battle! God takes us in our weak state and uses us so He alone can be glorified.

The Base

Of the four women in Christ's genealogy, one played the harlot, Tamar; another was a Gentile, Ruth; another an adulteress, the wife of Uriah; and the fourth a harlot named Rahab -- living proof that God can and will use anyone, regardless of their past actions, class or occupation.

Why does God delight in using nobodies as His nobility?

The first reason is found in 1 Corinthians 1, verse 29: "that no flesh should glory in His presence." When we get to heaven, not one of us will be able to say we got there on our own merit. We're saved simply by the grace of God. The second reason is found in verse 31, "He who glories, let him glory in the Lord." If we operate in our own strength and not God's, we risk taking the glory and credit for ourselves. Scripture tells us that we must be weak and low enough in order for God to use us.

Adrian Rogers told a story about a woodpecker pecking on a tree. In the middle of his pecking, a bolt of lightning hit that tree, splitting it right down the middle. The woodpecker backed off, surveyed the situation, and flew away. Later that day he returned with nine other woodpeckers. Proudly he said, "There it is, gentlemen. Right there. That's what I did."

When we do that as men and women, God shuts off the lightning. When you try to take credit for what God is doing, God shuts off the lightning and you are left with what you can do alone.

God wants to take us down to the very depths of ourselves to teach us that if there is any power, it is the power that is in God, and not in us. God doesn't need to make us into performers or superstars in order to use us. Instead, He's looking for men and women who have hearts that say, "Lord, I'm a nobody. I'm nothing without You. Will You use me?" When God finds such a heart, something extraordinary happens -- that nobody is promoted to the ranks of God's nobility.

from Crosswalk Women, by David Jeremiah, the founder of the radio and television program "Turning Point for God," and senior pastor of Shadow Mountain Community Church in El Cajon, Calif.

me, poor as I am

May 15th 2010

He reminded me…
“Go into all the world, and preach the Good News to everyone.”
“You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
"Why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."
They were still there in my head all day long. I kept thinking about them.
It was yesterday..

……

Today, 9.45 am, no breakfast, in the car, on high-way to Bogor.
The traffic was friendly…
I started my conversation with Him…
Me : Lord, I do really think that I need to retreat from everything.
I really need to think what I should do with all the messages you reminded me yesterday.
I don’t think what I do now –my job - will help anything with those messages.
It has nothing to do with them”
Him : Oh yeah?
Me : I guess so.

I turned into my book:
The spread of the Kingdom of God was to be carried out on earth by His Church, men and women commanded by Christ, empowered by the Holy Spirit, and dedicated heart and soul to the task. Jesus' followers were not to sit idly and await His return; they were to strike out boldly as the advance guards in a revolution that will only be completed upon His return, when all things will be restored and His kingdom made complete. The same is true today. We are not to give up on the world, nor retreat from it-just the opposite. We are to reclaim and redeem the world for Christ's kingdom.

Me : eeeerrrr….so what then?

I kept reading:
But what we can do and must do in the present, if we are obedient to the gospel, if we are following Jesus, and if we are indwelt, energized, and directed by the Spirit, is to build for the kingdom. This brings us back to 1 Corinthians 15:58 once more: what you do in the Lord is not in vain. You are not oiling the wheels of a machined that’s about to roll over a cliff. You are not planting roses in a garden that’s about to be dug up for a building site. You are-strange though it may seem, almost as hard to believe as the resurrection itself-accomplishing something that will become in due course part of God’s new world. Every act of love, gratitude, and kindness; every work of art or music inspired by the love of God and delight in the beauty of His creation; every minute spent teaching handicapped child to read or to walk; every act of care and nurture, of comfort and support, for one’s fellow human beings and for that matter one’s fellow nonhuman creatures; and of course every prayer, all Spirit-led teaching, every deed that spreads the gospel, builds up the church, embraces and embodies holiness rather than corruption, and makes the name of Jesus honored in the world-all of this will find its way, through the resurrecting power of God, into the new creation that God will one day make. That is the logic of the mission of God.

Me : Really? I want to do more, though… >.< Him : (with His loving kindness, I could feel that) Keep doing what you are doing now, my dear! Your job. Your ministries. I'll tell you what’s next when the time comes. What you do in ME now is not in vain. Same message again and again.. what I do in Him is not in vain!!! …… I arrived at Bogor, did my thing (worked), came back to Jakarta, did my thing (had fun with my friend), came home, did my thing (had fun with my sisters), started to feel so sleepy, then I opened my Bible.. (I know!! why I should wait to be sleepy to read my Bible? >.<)

This very simple verse, I have read for so many times talked to me…
"..but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.."
This is it!

Him : My dear, now, can you say, " but me, poor as I am, want to give everything I have to live on.." ?

(Mark 16:15, Acts 1:8, Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 1:11, Mark 12:44b, The Hole in Our Gospel).

Multi-tasking Mayhem

(taken from Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional, by Karen Ehman)

"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me." Psalm 31:14-15 (NIV)

"Mom, quick…look at that lady!" My fourteen-year-old-in-driver's-education-child shouted at me as we were headed down Michigan's US-27 interstate on an errand-running Thursday afternoon. "She should not be doing that," he added for emphasis.

I glanced over at the car next to us, expecting to see someone without her hands gripped properly at the ten and two o'clock positions like my by-the-rulebook-boy does when he is behind the wheel. Instead, I nearly ran off the road while gawking at what my resident Driver's Ed patrolman had spotted.

Next to us was a woman who was doing all of the following: talking on a cell phone by cradling it on her right shoulder, holding an open fast-food salad container in her left hand, ripping open a salad dressing packet with her teeth and her right hand…all while steering her car with her knees! What in the world!? My boys and I thought surely, if she kept up this multi-tasking method of driving, she was going to cause a crash.

"I would NEVER attempt to do all of that when I drive", I smugly thought to myself. "Entirely too dangerous and probably against the law." Yep, when it comes to being a safe-driving etiquette expert, the apple doesn't fall far from the "Honey-you-didn't-use-your-blinker-back-there" maternal tree.

It wasn't until later that night that it hit me. Yes, I may not try to dangerously multi-task when it comes to driving my car, thereby putting myself and others at risk of a collision. But in my day-to-day life? In my schedule? In my "sure-I-can-take-on-one-more-responsibility-so-everyone-will-like-me" way? Well, I sometimes dangerously multi-task to the point where I too am headed for a crash.

God nudged my heart a few years back, after dealing with some stress-related medical conditions that would not go away, that I needed to do a major plate scraping in my life. Taking on too many responsibilities, no matter how "good" they may be, can often render women ineffective for service to God. He knows our limits. He understands are capacities. He is willing, if we will ask Him, to help us navigate the waters of busyness and activity that often drown many a woman.

On one of my so-busy-I-couldn't-breathe days, I read today's verse. While I'm sure that the author David was talking about actual physical enemies -- men who could chase you, catch you and ultimately hurt you – I thought that day of busyness as the enemy. Too many activities and responsibilities outside of my four walls were abou t to do me in. They chased me, they cornered me and worst of all, they were about to go in for the kill.

Thankfully, God rescued me from the barren life of busyness. And He can do the same for you. He's longing for us to hold our too-full plates up to Him, scrape off all the activities and responsibilities, and then, place back on our plates only the items HE longs for us to possess.
Then, we can create white space in our calendar and places of sweet respite in our days where we can connect with the God of the universe who is just waiting for us to slow down and sit still; to listen and learn from the very Creator of time itself.

So, how about it friend? Rubber spatula ready? Keep reading below and let's start scraping before we crash and burn!

Dear Lord, Forgive me for allowing busyness to overtake my life, crowding out others and worst of all You. Help me as I purpose to place only those items on my plate that You long for me to have. In Jesus ' Name, Amen.

Application Steps:
List on paper all the commitments you have said yes to outside of your job or home responsibilities. Catalog approximately how much time you devote to them each week. Pray about what you discover.

Reflections:
What activities and responsibilities have I said "Yes" to that I know in my heart I shouldn't have?

How can I thin out my optional tasks and duties, freeing up more time for the places where God wants me to focus my efforts?

Power Verses:
Matthew 6:33-34, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (ESV)

Genesis 2:2, "And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done." (ESV)

how do we do "it"?

(from my fb notes, Jan 12th 2010)

I spent my new year’s eve alone in a hotel room. My roommate had slept. I surely wanted to do something to welcome this year that is pretty important to me. I am becoming 25, as most of us are too. I expect myself to do lot better, to be much better than I have already been. I grabbed a pen, and a piece of paper. I started to write things. I was surprised for not remember much of 2009. Wow, that’s so not me.

I continued writing 2010 resolutions. It wasn’t easy. It was all dark. I really couldn’t see anything. There are 3 major things that I have been struggling a lot ‘til now. And this 2010, I know I will keep struggling too. I really prayed, “Lord, please answer my pray. I am tired. I want this year to be different. I want to get the answers.“ My tears fell. I was scared and worried. I felt helpless. At that solitude time with Him, He reminded me how he had been faithful to me. How he had never left me alone. How he had always been there for me. I smiled and could feel His love. I believe he will lead me one step at a time, especially to deal with those 3 major things.

One of them is my ministry.

And yeah, He is faithful in answering prayers. He spoke to me through Pastor Victor Liu at church, book I read (a woman after God’s own heart by Elizabeth George), and devotionals from Godly women during my quite time these days.

He reminded me at the first place, why I serve Him? He is the reason I serve, and I serve for Him.

He also reminded me the basic principles that lead to fruitful ministries:

1. Motivation : our love to Jesus.
When we have a heart for God we have a heart for ministry. The two go hand in hand. When Jesus captured a life, healed a sick body or soul or mind, the recipient of those blessings invariably began to minister. Only on two occasions did Jesus have to tell them to do so. When Jairus daughter was brought back from the dead, Jesus told her parents to "give her something to eat" (Mark 5:43) , and when the Lord appeared first to Mary Magdalene after his resurrection, he told her to go tell the disciples that she had seen the Lord (John 2:17-18)
When we meet the Master, ministry naturally follows. Jesus forgave a sinful woman "her many sins", and she began to love him much (Luke 7:47). Having been forgiven much, we begin to love much, and ministry is the natural outcome.
Martha and Mary, greatly loved by Jesus, loved him back by serving Him, each in her own way. The mother of the disciple James, along with others, served the Lord by preparing His body to burial (Luke 24:10), while Joanna supported Jesus out of her own means (Luke 8:3). Even the woman at the well, having met Jesus, began at once to share her discovery with the people in her town. (John 4:28-29)
We do not need to twist arm once we have had a personal encounter with the Christ of Galilee. Ministry is not then a maybe - it's a must.

2. Excellence.
Do our best with what God has given us.
Remember the parable of talents? Which one are we?
Have we fully used or are we fully using, even developing, the gifts and talents He has entrusted to us? Are we hiding what He gave us in fear of messing up?
It is easy to think we are not good enough or that we are undeserving of God's gifts. Our negative thoughts take us captive, leading us to believe we would reflect poorly upon our Lord if we dared to multiply and grow what He has given us.
Or maybe, we still look and try to find what our spiritual gifts we’ve been given.
Theologian Charles Caldwell Ryrie mentioned in his book Balancing the Christian Life, three of spiritual gifts probably all Christians could have and use if they WOULD. They are ministering, giving, and showing mercy (Romans 12:7-8).
- Serving is sometimes called helps or ministering: “It is the basic ability to help other people, and there is no reason why every Christian cannot have and use this gift.”
- Mercy is next: “Showing mercy is akin to the gift of ministering and involves succoring those who are sick or afflicted. “
- Giving is another ministry you and I could and should be involved in : “Giving is the ability to distribute one’s own money to others, and it is to be down with simplicity which means with no thought of return or gain for oneself in anyway. “

3. JOY
The joy of the Lord is our strength.
The more we rejoice in the Lord, the more we serve effectively.
Though sometimes we do our weekly routine in serving Him, do it as it’s our last chance without complaining. Don’t take it for granted.

4. Sacrifice
There is a price to be paid.

I was recharged and refreshed!

I believe there will be more God wants me to learn this year and hopefully to share with all of you. Yupz, He leads you and me one step at a time. He led me a step already. I am looking forward for His answers, yet I believe in His perfect time. I wait.