I want to love you

One of thousand things I love so much about my husband is he always knows what to say at the right time.
- membuat hatiku meleleh dan mengubah air mata sedih menjadi air mata bahagia dan sukacita.

It was one year ago ...
I don't really remember what happened that day .. but I ended up crying alone on my bed, and feeling really2 devastated.
udah malam - hmm hampir pagi around 3am.. and kira2 begini isi email-nya:


E: I have nothing, I can't give anything to you. 

A: Not true. You give me love. And I am very grateful for that. 

E: I don't know how to love you anymore :( 

A: kata Alkitab, ini caranya: 
being patient, being kind. 
does not envy, does not boast, not being proud. 
does not dishonor others, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of wrongs. 
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 
(}) 

Setelah terima email ini, saya makin down ~~~ :( :( semakin ngerasa gagal dalam mencintai ...

E: How can I say "I love you", kalo aku ga... 
being patient, being kind. 
does not envy, does not boast, not being proud. 
does not dishonor others, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of wrongs. 
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres? 
means, I dont love you??? 

A: Ketika kita bilang "I love you", yang kita katakan adalah "I want to love you" 
I want to do 
~ being patient, being kind. 
does not envy, does not boast, not being proud. 
does not dishonor others, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of wrongs. 
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...... ~ to you. 
I love you, I want to love you say.. 

Saat itu juga, tangisan saya jadi makin banjir...
Walaupun hati saya sedang pedih -- walaupun saya tidak mengerti kenapa begitu susahnya mencintai orang yang sangat saya cintai ...
I know that I always always want to love him! -- and more importantly, I know he always always loves me .. and always always wants to love me unconditionally ...
Though we fail sometimes...
Though we do the opposite of loving... but we know that we WANT to love each other.. and we never stop wanting it!

I remember, jauh sebelum saya bertemu suami saya - masa single dalam penantian ...
my uncle (who isn't a Christian) berpesan:
"Lyn, kamu sabar yah ... cari cowo yang bisa sayang sama kamu seperti yang ada di alkitab itu tuh ... kasih itu sabar dst.. emang jarang sih ada cowo yang bisa sungguh-sungguh sayang kamu kayak gitu.. tapi sabar aja.. TUNGGU sampe kamu dapat yang begitu!" 
~ 
and guess what, God gave me even better!
Not only a husband who loves me that way, but also always reminds me to love that way too!
hmm actually, he doesn't talk much, but his action talks louder.
He doesn't talk about love. He DOES love.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.
~ your beloved ~ and a blessed wife, indeed!

when the "hot" and the cool are in love

Dear girls, 

posting kali ini adalah isi one of my emails to my boyfriend.. setaon yg lalu. 

and sesungguhnya berulang kali aku terpikir tuk post this email here and share it to you, tapi kok ya tertunda melulu~ 

Setiap kali - orang nanya ke aku … "Arief itu orangnya model gmana siiiiih?" 

Langsung mataku bersinar2 "tring tring triiinnng" dan senyum melebar .. en kalimat pertamaku adalah .. "Aduh gue sih bersyukur banget sama Tuhan dapet cowo model dia!" 

Dia itu orangnya … bla and bla and bla and bla… *semua bla adalah adjective yg positive* 

dan semua bla adalah hampir berlawanan dengan my bla *walaupun bukan berarti my adjective negative looh . haha* 

Yup! Kami berdua - "totally" berbeda… yg satu super "HOT" - yg satu super COOL 

*yg mana yg "HOT" - yg mana yg COOL hayoooo?* 

Sehingga………………. 

oke, ini isi email-nya = 

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setiap kali di buku ada bahas ttg "opposites attract" aku selalu yg "deg" pengen tau ini apa - plus agak2 ngeri ... "duh kira2 isinya oke ga ya, opposites attract" itu.. 

haha since kita cukup extreme... :$ 

tapi kalo dpikir2 banyak juga yg sama-nya kan .. 

well ... akan dbahas lanjut .. di bawah .. 

jadi di "boundaries in dating" judul tuk chapter ini adalah "beware when opposites attract"

aku yg "yaaaaah beware.. lagi!" ow ow gitu .. :$ 

haha 

di awal2 di jelasin .. akan bahaya jika .. 

kita jadi dependent on our partner's strength - kalo pas kebetulan his strength is our weakness. 

contoh di buku itu adalah .. 

cewe nya itu ga terlalu pinter bergaul - cowo nya pinter bergaul -- en cewenya bener2 bergantung ama cowonya dalam cari teman -- or involve di kegiatan2.. 

jadinya:

1. cewe nya ga bisa free juga doing things yg actually dia suka, krn jadi ga pede kalo ga ada cowonya . 

2. cowonya juga jadi "sewenang2" krn pikir tanpa dia, cewenya ga bisa 

ini sih mgkn agak ekstrem.. tapi kira2 nangkep lah maksudnya.. 

dan juga kita jadi ga mau grow to learn tuk berubah -- krn pikir he has it .. gitu 

aku jadi kepikir itu tiba2 terlintas adalah .. 

pas waktu kita ngomong2 ttg money management -- aku kan yg lousy bgt, en kamu kan keren bgt.. 

waktu awal2 kan aku mikir .. "hore aman deh entar, since ada kamu yg rapi" -- 

terus pas baca ini .. aku jadi mikir, "oh iya yah, ga bisa gitu ... " :$ 

mgkn since kamu lebih expert, kamu yg pegang tanggungjawab itu .. "yay, saling melengkapi memang!" .. tapi aku juga harus belajar gitu .. 

en tadi pas lagi bible study -- aku juga raised the issue with the girls .. aku nanya "mau cari cowo yg beda or mirip2?" 

ada yg bilang gini .. "since saya panikan,  saya perlu cowo yg tenang ..." 

iyaaah banget kan ..... 

and bener2 deh dari jaman dulu itu aku selalu dibilang gini ... "erlyn harus dapet cowo yg kalem .. biar seimbang.." 

en aku itu memakan mentah2 omongan itu dan dalam pikiran ku adalah ... "aku selamanya ga akan bisa tenang lah .. jadi bener2 butuh cowo yg tenang.." 

tapi aku baru realized hari ini setelah baca buku ini dan setelah denger jawaban mereka.... 

that i need to learn how to be calm myself.... of course, dunia akan lebih indah kalo pacarku adalah orang tenang (so, puji Tuhan buat pacarku skrg!!) 

so -- begini .. kita hidup dalam society yg bilang "kalo kamu udah begitu dari sana nya, selamanya akan begitu ... " 

padahal kan kita harus berjuang tuk lebih baik.. :$ 

nah terus di akhir chapter ini .. 

dibahas ini "opposites and maturity" 

aku salin aja dari buku .. haha 

In our experience, the degree of attraction that opposites have for each other is often diagnostic of the couple’s maturity. In mature couples, opposite traits are simply not a major issue. The two people are not drawn to opposite traits due to their own deficits. They are drawn to values that they share, such as love, responsibility, forgiveness, honesty, and spirituality. Attraction based on values is much more mature than attraction based on what you don’t have inside.

On the other hand, immature couples seem to struggle more with finding someone who possesses the nurturance, structure, competence, or personality that they don’t.  They go through painful cycles of idealizing the other person, getting closer, developing a dependency on the other person, making a parent out of them, then having horrible breakups, only to look for someone again with those opposite traits. Ultimately, many are looking for a parent to take care of part of them that they aren’t taking care of in themselves.

Differences can help make a good relationship fulfilling, rich and satisfying. Each partner appreciates the talent and unique point of view of the other, and falls more deeply in love with that person. The couple becomes part of the wonder of love, that two people who are so opposite can connect so well, and become truly one. -->> yaaay kan?!?! 

Opposites can truly attract : not a basis for a relationship, but as a wonderful complement and addition to an already loving connection. --> ini juga yaaay! 

So, make oppositeness a nonissue. Look more for character, love and values than “who has what”. Don’t fall for an introvert simply because you are an extrovert. Fall for someone who calls you into love, growth and God. And then appreciate her unique differences. 

-------

so, berlanjut dari paragraf pertama .. 

penting sama-nya itu kan value-nya .. 

en bbrp hal yg kita beda -- yg cukup sampe ke extreme beda-nya .. biarlah jadi fulfilling - rich and satisfying relationship! en aku suka banget itu kata2 the wonder of love! haha.. krn bener2 it's wow...bisa connect :$ 

<3 

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gitu deeehh isi emailnya!!! :D 

kenapa aku pengen banget share this email. *actually, not sure juga kenapa…* 

tapi aku selalu berasa ada utang kalo belum share ini .. ~ 

kalo kalian happen mirip seperti aku dan calon suamiku .. *yg ya ampun beda-nya extreme!* -- dalam hal tertentu loooh ~~!! 

inget selalu tuk pake kesempatan itu - tuk saling membangun … bukan jadi alasan tuk berantem ~ en ga mau maju (karena toh pasanganku dah punya itu), tapi tuk saling belajar yg baik dari diri pasangan.. 

skrg aku ngerti kenapa aku harus tunda share email ini - (hampir setaooon!) - karena walaupun umur relationship kami baru seumur jagung - menuju 2 taon.. 

aku bisa ngerasaiiin kalo = 

Differences can help make a good relationship fulfilling, rich and satisfying. Each partner appreciates the talent and unique point of view of the other, and falls more deeply in love with that person. The couple becomes part of the wonder of love, that two people who are so opposite can connect so well, and become truly one. 

en i really2 look forward -  *dalam kedipan mata* - status kami akan berubah .. kami semakin mengenal (oucch and yaay!) ---- we will fall more deeply in love with each other and can connect even better!!!!! AMIN! 

ow ow ow .. btw btw… ~ 

mau tau reply Arief tuk my super panjang email apa? 

--------

thank you <3

saya setuju dgn semua yg ditulis :)

---------

so -- kira2 kalian mengerti ketika aku bilang - kami extreme? :D :D 

Love (PRAYER) is in the Air

Love is in the air <3

I remember -- this week 13 years ago -- jaman2 masi smp - how I was so excited welcoming valentine's day! Seminggu sblm valentine's day, dah ngestok cukup banyak coklat -- and after vday, lebih full lagi di kulkas (got plenty, yay!!) --

and this year, me and 2 other girlfriends (one is married, one is getting married this year) are having a dinner on vday!! WAIT!! We aren't celebrating vday! we are celebrating my friend's bday on vday! Her bday was actually early of Feb, we are having it tomorrow - because WE KINDA FORGOT TOMORROW IS VALENTINE'S DAY!

I was like, "seriously? kita dah kayak jomblooo neh!" but, yeah, we are having dinner anyway tmrw, walaupun our resto was fully booked already (ya iyalah, duh! valentine, lyn!)

For me personally, tho ~ it's not that I don't celebrate vday -- tapi karena my beloved man nun jauh dsana ... Well, at least, I was thinking - at least I would give him a valentine gift (psstt..! don't tell him!!! I haven't told him yet!) -- tapi sejujurnya, ini membuatku berpikir "duh belum merit aja dah ga semangat rayain vday -- gmana the rest of our marriage life niiiih?" ----- gimana coba ga semangat kasi gifts? at least, chocolate!!!

-- walaupun fyi, my love language (and his love language) is quality time and words (so - buat kami, harusnya aman2 saja -- haha) tapi tetep!!! let's give some gifts, don't u think?

Talking about gifts...

Barusan aku baca devotional .. "Prayer Can Change a Marriage"

intinya begini .. sering kali kita ngomong "well, i guess the only thing left to do is pray" or mungkin bahasa gaulnya =

"hmmm, kayanya JALAN TERAKIR HANYA BERDOA deh!"

Are u familiar with this sentence, dear?

OH! I do say it a lot!! shame on me!

Is there something wrong with this sentence, dear?

YES!! BIG WRONG! kenapa berdoa adalah jalan terakir? PRAYING SHOULD BE THE FIRST THING WE DO! Berdoa harus menjadi jalan pertama - yang kita tempuh ..

and for me, aku jadi terpikir -- kalo PRAYER IS actually THE BEST GIFT WE COULD GIVE!

again, ironically kita sering banget bilang ... "gue CUMA bisa doain lu!"

Doa bukan CUMA! Doa is super cool ~~!!

God’s answers to prayer healed the sick, fed the hungry, stopped the rain, kept the earth from revolving on its axis for an hour, divided the Red Sea, poured forth water from a rock, opened wombs, confused enemies, opened jail doors, made leprous skin brand new, caused the lame to dance, gave courage to the fearful, and raised the dead. Jesus said, “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you,” (Matthew 17:20 NIV).

So, my friends.. I am not saying that -- horaaayyy - mulai skrg, ga perlu kasi gifts apa2 ke our beloved ones -- cukup doa cukup doa! murah!!! Kalo itu alasannya, again it's a BIG WRONG!

Tapi mari -- on this vday, let us see this way .. pray more for someone you love!! and jadikan doa sebagai hadiah terindah yg kita bisa constantly give to them dalam segala kondisi (bahkan ketika kita sedang geram! the good news is, it’s hard to stay mad at someone when you’re praying for him or her) ..

Mari kita tidak hanya sekedar sibuk celebrate hari kasih sayang dengan romantic dinner atopun great gifts, tapi mari terlebih sibuk merayakan dengan berdoa 'tuk orang2 terkasih :)

--------------------------------------

To my beloved man,

Selamat hari kasih sayang!! Selamat hari aku sayang kamu, kamu sayang aku - dan kita sayang orang lain!!!

Walaupun this vday we're not together (like last year) and I haven't given you any gifts .. I thank God for a very beautiful reminder, that I am to pray for you! It's a beautiful gift that I commit to give it to you 'til the rest of my life. I love you!!

Sambil aku persiapkan my vday gift to you .. look forward to it, plis! ;p

*ini doa contekan, tapi I think ini nyontek yg bagus :$

----

Lord, I pray for my man, from head to toe:

• His Head –That he will look to You as Lord of his life. (1 Corinthians 11:13)
• His Mind - That he will have the mind of Christ and think as the Holy Spirit would lead him and not the flesh. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
• His Eyes –That You will keep his eyes from temptation and that he will turn his eyes from sin. (Matthew 6:13, Mark 9:47)

• His Ears - That he will hear Your still small voice instructing him. (1 Kings 19:12, Psalm 32:8)
• His Mouth – That his words will be pleasing to You. (Psalm 19:14)
• His Neck –That he will humble himself before You and be strong, courageous, and careful to do everything written in Your Word so that he will be prosperous and successful. (James 4:10, Joshua 1:8-9)
• His Heart-That he will love and trust You with his whole heart. (Deuteronomy 6:5, Proverbs 3:5)
• His Arms-That You will be his strength. (Psalm 73:26)
• His Hands-That he will enjoy the work of his hands and see it as a gift from You. (Ecclesiastes 3:13, 5:19)
• His feet – That You will order his steps and that he will walk in Your truth. (Proverbs 4:25, Psalm 26:3)

And help me, Lord, to be a woman of love and prayer. Amen!

-----------------------------------------

Happy Valentine's Day all!! Prayer is in the air <3

God Truly Writes My Love Story

Kalo ditanya, "gmana rasanya dah mau merit?" ---
jawabanku, "hmmm biasa2 aja sih!"
Itu bukan karena aku ketularan pacarku yg super cool ... tapi emang sejujurnya, aku belum sempat mendalami the fact that I AM GETTING MARRIED~~~!!!

Tapi thank you tuk orang2 terdekatku yang sering berkomentar ..."wah ga berasa looh lyn 1 tahun mah!!" -- or simple comment like "cieh yg udah mau merit" -- or menyadari kenyataan kalo tahun ini aku terakir terima angpao, *yay taon depan dah bagi2 berkat buat sepupu dan keponakan!*
-- membuatku berhenti sejenak dan memaksaku menerima kenyataan itu, en barulah....
"Ya ampuuuunnnn... aku bakal merit -- IT'S BIG! This girl yang mengalami break up yang dramatis, yang berjuang dalam operasi pemulihan hati yang menyakitkan. This girl yang hobi banget baca buku ttg relationship and Godly woman's stuffs, share it with other girls. Yang rindu banget jadi istri dan mama kelak .... !!! and now, it's really happening to me. My dreams are coming true!" ...en jreng jreng, there -- aku menyadari ... that I am going there - my new life! A whole new life i've been waiting for..

Di awal2 pacaran, sejujurnya, aku selalu ga sabar pengen banget share kisah cintaku (buset bahasanya!!!) :$ Tapi i always thought - at least, kalo dah pacaran setaon - or mau menikah dalam setaon deh baru mulai share2 gimana Tuhan berkarya dalam masa pacaranku.. dan hal2 indah yg Dia dah ajarkan tuk membentukku.
Eh, seriously, girls ... time flies. Ga terasa aku dah pacaran lebih dari setaon, en bakal menikah kurang dari setaon .. dan aku belum mulai share..!

And here I am, mau mulai cerita dikit2 ... *aku kurang jago cerita kronologis -- so maybe aku akan share topik per topik ... haha .. we'll see how it's gonna be!

Back in 2007 ~~~~!
Aku baca buku = "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy.
Sejujurnya kondisiku saat itu hanyalah menelan mentah2 judul buku itu! Ketika Tuhan menulis cerita cinta??!! *aku baru saja putus setelah pacaran 8 tahun -- en aku sama sekali ga bisa memahami kalo there is a love story! Bagiku, love story is a sad story! Love hurts!
Tapi jauh di lubuk hatiku yg terdalam, aku berharap dan beriman .. things like "Tuhan, walau saat ini -- GELAP -- eyn bahkan ga bisa mengerti apa itu cinta lagi! Eyn bahkan ga berharap kalo eyn bakal bertemu pria dan jatuh cinta lagi ... ~ Eyn bahkan ga tau kenapa eyn baca buku ini~ tapi satu hal yg eyn tau, eyn mau taat! Mau ikutin jalan cerita Tuhan dalam hidup eyn..... nurut aja!"
THERE! walau saat itu, aku ga bisa lihat apa2 - tapi aku menaruh pengharapan pada Dia -- really, only by faith, not by sight!

Sejujurnya aku hanya ingat satu hal ttg buku itu *en saat itu, aku belum nulis hal2 bagus dari buku yg aku baca, ga kayak skrg. Jadi ga ada catetan!*... yaitu, TULISLAH SURAT CINTA UNTUK CALON SUAMIMU kelak!
jreng jreng~~!!!! Bagiku saat itu, itu adalah hal yang paling practical yang bisa aku jalani .. "ah, cuma tulis surat doank!!!" and guess what? i did~!
I have a letter for my future husband --- yang ditulis persis 5 tahun yang lalu (lebih sehari) dari tanggal resepsi di Jakarta nanti, en kalimat terakirnya berbunyi gini =
"yeah, you may be someone i can never imagine... i love you!"
Aku bener2 ketawa geli ketika aku baca ulang that letter ~ but that letter really2 brought me to 5 years ago me --- ketika kisah cinta bukanlah lagi sesuatu hal yang aku harapkan. Ketika aku berpikir "should i ever get married?"

And here i am now -- i could say that, i experience "God truly writes my love story". And i have to say, that ...
my love story tidak berawal ketika aku bertemu dengan calon suamiku dan akirnya kami berada di pelaminan... tapi jaaauuuuuh sebelum itu - hanya saja aku ga pernah menyadarinya.

Di titik ini, aku menyadari - bahkan saat kondisi terpahitpun - saat hatiku hancur berkeping2 - Tuhan sedang menulis kisah cintaku~!
Why? Karena itu saat hatiku dibentuk menjadi hati yang jauh lebih indah - tuk calon suamiku kelak.

*seriously my darling, i thank God, He allowed me to have that - because you deserve a much better version of me and i love you - and i pray that i can be better each day*

Ketika aku menanti 1 - 2 - 3 tahun, "kenapa cowo yang datang aku belum sreg?"-- itu ketika Tuhan mengajariku - contentment.
i learn to be content in any circumstances. i learn that God is enough. His love is more than enough for me. *hepi2 aja ga ada telp or sms dari cowo!
You know what? tuk wanita seperti saya, yang pacaran terlalu dini - aku belum pernah sempat mengenal siapakah diriku di hadapan Tuhan... dan apakah itu dikasihi Tuhan secara komplit.

Karena dari umur 13 tahun, ada 1 orang pria yang setia menyayangiku, menganggapku cantik dan menganggapku begitu berharga. Tuhan ijinkan kami berpisah tuk mengajarku pengalaman terindah --- dan kenyataan yang paling indah bagi semua wanita di dunia ini... bahwa the God of this universe loves us more than anyone could. We are special for Him. We are extremely beautiful in His sight. and nothing - NOTHING can separate us from His love.

Pengalaman single-ku (yang diiringi tangis dan kesepian) menjadikanku wanita yang utuh -- sehingga saat aku berjumpa dengan calon suamiku - aku penuh! Penuh oleh kasih Tuhan - penuh oleh nilai diri yang Tuhan anugrahkan bagiku. Sehingga aku siap tuk saling mengisi dengan calon suamiku. Bukan untuk saling mengambil.
Karena relationship yang sehat adalah 2 manusia yang utuh - saling memberi - me'refresh - melengkapi - dan memberkati. What we can give, not what we can take.
Bukan 2 manusia kosong - dan berharap tuk saling mengisi kekosongan, karena trust me -- kita akan dehidrasi - kering kerontang - dan akirnya pahit it it it !

I believe that - each of us has our own love story. Karena God is super creative.
Setiap cerita kita berbeda - karena wong, kita pun Dia ciptakan berbeda.
Dia punya cara dan cerita khusus, supaya rencanaNya dalam hidup kita dapat dipenuhi. supaya kita menjadi seseorang yang Dia has designed us to be. supaya potensi kita dapat keluar seutuhnya tuk membawa kemuliaan bagi namaNya.
Serahkan penamu kepada si Penulis. He is awesome! I experienced it -- and I can't wait for the next chapters He has for me, aah for us, me and my husband one day ;)