The Pillows I'll Choose

I had a super fun shopping with my bestfriend yesterday. My bestfriend who is getting married this year too! We were soooooooooo maid of honoring each other last night!

Actually, kemarin ga ada rencana tuk shopping, kita rencana ketemu to do other things. Tiba2 karena super sale hebat -- I said to my bestie, "hey hey - u know what, deket2 wedding kita pasti bakal perlu belanja ini ini ini ini *not for the wedding, but for the life after it*" I witnessed my older sis, menjelang merit, banyak banget yg harus di-prepare dan dibeli. "so, i think it is wise kalo kita mulai cicil dari skrg, since we still got several months -"

So, we did! We did do the shopping things yg bakal kita BUTUH *and they were on sale, yay!!!*~ for our new lives.

Ini yang aku belajar karena ditinggalkan 1 cici dan 1 koko - dalam 1 tahun *karena merit dan pindah ke rumah baru*, yaitu akan ada banyak barang yang they used to have di rumah lama (rumah parents) yang tidak akan bisa dibawa ke rumah baru!

1. karena tidak butuh

2. karena rumah baru lebih kecil

3. karena sudah ada barang baru, contoh - bantal! kita bakal beli bantal baru abis merit!

So, pilih deh barang2 lama yang tidak akan dibawa ke rumah baru, apakah

1. disumbangkan

2. dibuang

*jangan ditinggal di rumah lama - kesian yang ditinggalkan!

En buatku, it's scarier - karena barangku jauh lebih banyak -- dan aku pindah jauh lebih jauuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh! Kemarin malam, I decided - to start membenahi barang2ku en ga akan belanja apapun yang ga akan aku bawa dari rumah mama!

AKU BERJANJI TIDAK AKAN BELI DASTER BATIK - DAN MAU PAKE DASTERKU SEKARANG WALAU ADA BOLONG2 DIKIT.

*kenapa daster batik? karena aku suka luluh liat daster~ en kepengen beli!

Aku rela setahun ini pakai daster agak rombeng, karena aku akan pakai daster baru setelah pindah rumah...... Karena daster yang aku pake skrg - akan aku ganti kurang dari setaon.

TIBA2 ......aku ingat suatu kesaksian, pendetaku pernah ceritakan waktu aku masi remaja dulu.

Ada 1 keluarga yang rich enough, dia tinggal di daerah Menteng! Tapi mereka hidupnya sangat sederhana. Selama beberapa tahun, ga pernah pake baju baru - bajunya itu2 lagi itu2 lagi. Sampe akirnya, temen dari keluarga itu nanya --- "kenapa sih, kalian punya uang - ga mau beli baju baru?"

En dijawab, "ooh, soalnya kami mau pindah ke Amerika, ini cuma sementara di Jakarta. So, we save money - en don't buy things yg emang kami ga butuh dan kami ga bawa ke Amrik. Mending tar belanja disana saja."

And that -- mengingatkan kita pada hidup kita di dunia ini. TEMPORARY~! hanya sementara... Hidup kita di Amrik lah *dalam kondisi keluarga itu* or hidup saya setelah pindah rumah lah *compared to my less than a year tinggal di rumah ortu*-- yang akan lebih panjang , walaupun bukan eternity.

Hidup kita, setelah kita meninggalkan dunia ini lah - ETERNITY. Yang perlu kita invest.

~Focus on things that matter! That will last for eternity!~

The busyness of life seringkali drag us, en mem-blur-kan fokus kita! Membuat tidak ada waktu dan tenaga yang tersisa tuk mengasihi orang lain. To touch other's lives. PEOPLE! that lasts for eternity.

Tuntutan di pekerjaan atopun tuntutan tuk get more, earn more, reach higher - men-shift kan prioritas kita, to build an intimate relationship with the Father, the source of all good things~! A relationship that will last forever!

"Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." Matthew 6:19-21

Entertainment yg tidak ada habisnya --- really2 entertain us, sampai2 we got no time to *entertain* fill our lives with His words, again, that will last forever~!

Life is so short! "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone." James 4:14 Focus on things that matter!

For me, a bride to be, I will try to fokus hanya belanja barang yang akan aku bawa nanti en kepake on my new life.

Sale2 di mall yang super meriah, bisa membuatku lupa kalo aku ga akan pake barang2 itu setaun ke depan, en itu bakal wasted! FOKUS!

If I have to choose between bantal2an tuk cincin kawin atau bantal beneran -------

- I will choose bantal beneran yang akan aku pakai cukuuuppp lama - walaupun tidak secantik teddybears on pillow holding my wedding bands :D

God Truly Writes My Love Story

Kalo ditanya, "gmana rasanya dah mau merit?" ---
jawabanku, "hmmm biasa2 aja sih!"
Itu bukan karena aku ketularan pacarku yg super cool ... tapi emang sejujurnya, aku belum sempat mendalami the fact that I AM GETTING MARRIED~~~!!!

Tapi thank you tuk orang2 terdekatku yang sering berkomentar ..."wah ga berasa looh lyn 1 tahun mah!!" -- or simple comment like "cieh yg udah mau merit" -- or menyadari kenyataan kalo tahun ini aku terakir terima angpao, *yay taon depan dah bagi2 berkat buat sepupu dan keponakan!*
-- membuatku berhenti sejenak dan memaksaku menerima kenyataan itu, en barulah....
"Ya ampuuuunnnn... aku bakal merit -- IT'S BIG! This girl yang mengalami break up yang dramatis, yang berjuang dalam operasi pemulihan hati yang menyakitkan. This girl yang hobi banget baca buku ttg relationship and Godly woman's stuffs, share it with other girls. Yang rindu banget jadi istri dan mama kelak .... !!! and now, it's really happening to me. My dreams are coming true!" ...en jreng jreng, there -- aku menyadari ... that I am going there - my new life! A whole new life i've been waiting for..

Di awal2 pacaran, sejujurnya, aku selalu ga sabar pengen banget share kisah cintaku (buset bahasanya!!!) :$ Tapi i always thought - at least, kalo dah pacaran setaon - or mau menikah dalam setaon deh baru mulai share2 gimana Tuhan berkarya dalam masa pacaranku.. dan hal2 indah yg Dia dah ajarkan tuk membentukku.
Eh, seriously, girls ... time flies. Ga terasa aku dah pacaran lebih dari setaon, en bakal menikah kurang dari setaon .. dan aku belum mulai share..!

And here I am, mau mulai cerita dikit2 ... *aku kurang jago cerita kronologis -- so maybe aku akan share topik per topik ... haha .. we'll see how it's gonna be!

Back in 2007 ~~~~!
Aku baca buku = "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy.
Sejujurnya kondisiku saat itu hanyalah menelan mentah2 judul buku itu! Ketika Tuhan menulis cerita cinta??!! *aku baru saja putus setelah pacaran 8 tahun -- en aku sama sekali ga bisa memahami kalo there is a love story! Bagiku, love story is a sad story! Love hurts!
Tapi jauh di lubuk hatiku yg terdalam, aku berharap dan beriman .. things like "Tuhan, walau saat ini -- GELAP -- eyn bahkan ga bisa mengerti apa itu cinta lagi! Eyn bahkan ga berharap kalo eyn bakal bertemu pria dan jatuh cinta lagi ... ~ Eyn bahkan ga tau kenapa eyn baca buku ini~ tapi satu hal yg eyn tau, eyn mau taat! Mau ikutin jalan cerita Tuhan dalam hidup eyn..... nurut aja!"
THERE! walau saat itu, aku ga bisa lihat apa2 - tapi aku menaruh pengharapan pada Dia -- really, only by faith, not by sight!

Sejujurnya aku hanya ingat satu hal ttg buku itu *en saat itu, aku belum nulis hal2 bagus dari buku yg aku baca, ga kayak skrg. Jadi ga ada catetan!*... yaitu, TULISLAH SURAT CINTA UNTUK CALON SUAMIMU kelak!
jreng jreng~~!!!! Bagiku saat itu, itu adalah hal yang paling practical yang bisa aku jalani .. "ah, cuma tulis surat doank!!!" and guess what? i did~!
I have a letter for my future husband --- yang ditulis persis 5 tahun yang lalu (lebih sehari) dari tanggal resepsi di Jakarta nanti, en kalimat terakirnya berbunyi gini =
"yeah, you may be someone i can never imagine... i love you!"
Aku bener2 ketawa geli ketika aku baca ulang that letter ~ but that letter really2 brought me to 5 years ago me --- ketika kisah cinta bukanlah lagi sesuatu hal yang aku harapkan. Ketika aku berpikir "should i ever get married?"

And here i am now -- i could say that, i experience "God truly writes my love story". And i have to say, that ...
my love story tidak berawal ketika aku bertemu dengan calon suamiku dan akirnya kami berada di pelaminan... tapi jaaauuuuuh sebelum itu - hanya saja aku ga pernah menyadarinya.

Di titik ini, aku menyadari - bahkan saat kondisi terpahitpun - saat hatiku hancur berkeping2 - Tuhan sedang menulis kisah cintaku~!
Why? Karena itu saat hatiku dibentuk menjadi hati yang jauh lebih indah - tuk calon suamiku kelak.

*seriously my darling, i thank God, He allowed me to have that - because you deserve a much better version of me and i love you - and i pray that i can be better each day*

Ketika aku menanti 1 - 2 - 3 tahun, "kenapa cowo yang datang aku belum sreg?"-- itu ketika Tuhan mengajariku - contentment.
i learn to be content in any circumstances. i learn that God is enough. His love is more than enough for me. *hepi2 aja ga ada telp or sms dari cowo!
You know what? tuk wanita seperti saya, yang pacaran terlalu dini - aku belum pernah sempat mengenal siapakah diriku di hadapan Tuhan... dan apakah itu dikasihi Tuhan secara komplit.

Karena dari umur 13 tahun, ada 1 orang pria yang setia menyayangiku, menganggapku cantik dan menganggapku begitu berharga. Tuhan ijinkan kami berpisah tuk mengajarku pengalaman terindah --- dan kenyataan yang paling indah bagi semua wanita di dunia ini... bahwa the God of this universe loves us more than anyone could. We are special for Him. We are extremely beautiful in His sight. and nothing - NOTHING can separate us from His love.

Pengalaman single-ku (yang diiringi tangis dan kesepian) menjadikanku wanita yang utuh -- sehingga saat aku berjumpa dengan calon suamiku - aku penuh! Penuh oleh kasih Tuhan - penuh oleh nilai diri yang Tuhan anugrahkan bagiku. Sehingga aku siap tuk saling mengisi dengan calon suamiku. Bukan untuk saling mengambil.
Karena relationship yang sehat adalah 2 manusia yang utuh - saling memberi - me'refresh - melengkapi - dan memberkati. What we can give, not what we can take.
Bukan 2 manusia kosong - dan berharap tuk saling mengisi kekosongan, karena trust me -- kita akan dehidrasi - kering kerontang - dan akirnya pahit it it it !

I believe that - each of us has our own love story. Karena God is super creative.
Setiap cerita kita berbeda - karena wong, kita pun Dia ciptakan berbeda.
Dia punya cara dan cerita khusus, supaya rencanaNya dalam hidup kita dapat dipenuhi. supaya kita menjadi seseorang yang Dia has designed us to be. supaya potensi kita dapat keluar seutuhnya tuk membawa kemuliaan bagi namaNya.
Serahkan penamu kepada si Penulis. He is awesome! I experienced it -- and I can't wait for the next chapters He has for me, aah for us, me and my husband one day ;)

Not Even a Hint

If you are a fan of Joshua Harris' books "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" -- "Boy Meets Girl" - Here's his another book! "Not Even a Hint" -- this book talks about LUST ~! the thing that not only men struggle, but we, women, do too!

"Oh, I keep my bed pure" -- or "Oh, I never have sex before marriage" -- we might say that~! But, we know what we have in our minds, when we try to be beautiful (in a wrong way) to get attention from guys -- or how we try so hard to have a bootylicious body like girls on magazine covers ('coz men like them!!) -- or how we fantasize after watching several movies or reading novels!! and we know God knows!

Bible says -- there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity!

So, hey girls (and guys) -- let's not give ourselves a chance - and play with it - not even a hint!!

God be with us ~

the good news is "The temptation in our lives are no different from what other experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than we can stand. When we are tempted, He will show us a way out so that we can endure"

You are not alone, and there is a way out!!!!!!!!

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“Every day of our Christian experience should be a day relating to God on the basis of His grace alone. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.” Jerry Bridges

Lust: craving sexually what God has forbidden.

In our losing battle against lust we’re often misguided in three key areas. We’ve had..

• • The wrong standard for holiness
• • The wrong source of power to change
• • And the wrong motive for fighting our sin

God’s standard when it comes to lust = not even a hint. God wants us to be freed from; He wants us to eliminate any kind of impurity in our thoughts and actions. He wants us to dig down into our hearts and uproot sexual greediness, which is always seeking a new sensual thrill.

God’s standard of not even a hint quickly brings me to the end of my own ability and effort. It reminds me that God’s standard is so much higher than the standards I place for myself that only the victory of Christ’s death and resurrection can provide the right power and the right motive needed to change me.

Lust is our enemy and has hijacked sexuality. We need to keep reminding ourselves that our goal is to rescue our sexuality from lust so we can experience it the way God intended.

It feels as though destroying our lust will destroy us. But it doesn’t. and when we destroy our lustful desire, we come not to the end of desire, but to the beginning of pure desire – God-centered desire, which was created to carry us into the everlasting morning of God’s purposes.

If you ever expect to find victory over lust, you must believe with your whole heart that God is against your lust not because He is opposed to pleasure, but because He is so committed to it.

It’s so critical to understand that our sexual drive isn’t the same as lust. For example:

• - it’s not lust to be attracted to someone or notice that he or she is good-looking.
• - It’s not lust to have a strong desire to have sex.
• - It’s not lust to anticipate and be excited about having sex within marriage.
• - It’s not lust when a man or woman becomes turned-on without any conscious decision to do so.
• - It’s not lust to experience sexual temptation.

The crucial issue in each of these examples is how we respond to the urges and desires of our sexual desire.

To rightly embrace our sexuality we must bring it under the dominion of the One who created it. When we do so, we’re not fighting for it. We’re rescuing our sexuality from being ruined by lust. We’re exalting our God-given identity as sexual creatures by refusing to be trapped in the never ending dissatisfaction of lust.

Each of us is unique in how we’re tempted to lust. This shouldn’t be a surprise – we all have different backgrounds, different weaknesses, and different sinful tendencies. All these combine to make us particularly vulnerable to lust in certain situations.

My bigger outbreaks of sin are usually triggered by smaller sins that I wasn’t diligent in guarding against. I’m talking about the daily, even hourly decisions of what to watch, read, listen to, and allow my mind to think about and my eyes to rest upon.

“Keep as far as you can from those temptations that feed and strengthen the sins which you would overcome. Lay siege to your sins and starve them out, by keeping away the food and fuel which is their maintenance and life.” Richard Baxter

1. List your own top three lust triggers. (time of day, tempting locations, television, newspapers and magazines, music, books, internet, the mailbox, in public). How can you avoid them?

2. What time of day or week are you most tempted by lust? What can you do to prepare for those times?

3. Which locations are the most tempting for you? How can you limit your time in those places?

4. What five little battles do you need to be fighting more faithfully? Describe in detail what it looks like for you to fight – and – to win - this battles.

It’s not enough to merely feel bad about or dislike the consequences of lust. True repentance is a change of direction. It involves turning away from sin and toward God – replacing sinful actions with righteous ones. Genuine repentance springs from heartfelt sorrow over sin because it is against God and then leads to real change in the way a person thinks and lives.

When it comes to lust, the greatest misconception about women is that they only deal with lust on an emotional level. But many women struggle with lust in what you might call traditionally male ways – the temptation to view pornography, to masturbate, to focus on intense physical desire for sex. These women are often hindered in their fight against lust because they’re consumed with shame over the particular ways they struggle.

Women, it doesn’t matter if your sex drive is as strong as a guy’s or how it compares to other girls you know. What matters is whether or not you’re looking to God for strength to control the desires you have. What matters is whether or not you’re fleeing temptation and pursuing holiness because you love Him.

The truth is that men’s lust is more obvious, but not necessarily more sinful. Guys are typically more visually oriented, and as a result their lust is more visible. And because God made me to initiate and pursue women, their expressions of lust are often more aggressive and blatant.

• - A man’s sexual desire is often more physical, while a woman’s desire is more often rooted in emotional longings.
• - A man is generally wired to be the sexual initiator and is stimulated visually; a woman is generally wired to be the sexual responder and is stimulated by touch.
• - A man is created to pursue and finds even the pursuit stimulating; a woman is made to want to be pursued and finds even being pursued stimulating.

Lust blurs and bends true masculinity and femininity in harmful ways. It makes a man’s good desire to pursue all about “capturing” and “using” and a woman’s good desire to be beautiful all about “seduction” and “manipulation”. In general it seems that men and women are tempted by lust in two unique ways; men are tempted by the pleasure lust offers, while women are tempted by the power lust promises.

A man’s lust leads him to detach a woman’s body from her soul, mind, and person and use her for the sake of his selfish pleasure. Isn’t this why most pornography is directed toward men and depicts women presenting themselves solely for a man’s pleasure? Pornography reinforces the lie that women are sexual playthings for men’s enjoyment – that women want to be used, not loved and cherished. Some men prefer to masturbate to pornography over engaging in a real relationship with a woman because it allows to them to live in the fantasy that their own physical pleasure is all that matters.

When a woman sees a seductive ad featuring a man, she might be tempted to fantasize about sex with him, but the odds are that this temptation will be rotted in fantasy about a relationship with him, with physical pleasure being a subset of her craving for passionate attention and emotional intimacy.

Lust offers men the pleasure of sex devoid of the hard work of intimacy. Lust offers women the power to get what they want relationally if they use their sexuality to seduce.

Recognize that lust is the greatest enemy of a healthy, godly relationship. If you love God and each other, determine to hate lust. Don’t feed lust in your relationship. It won’t stop wanting till your relationship is ruined.

Lust seeks to use what we know about the weaknesses of the opposite sex to manipulate them. Our membership in God’s family must transform our view of the opposite sex. We’re not trying to get something from each other: we’re called to give, to love, and to care for one another.

The reason this very private act (masturbation) matters to God is not because it involves our genitals, but because it involves our heart. And God is passionately committed to our hearts belonging completely to Him (see Deut. 6:5). Masturbation isn’t a filthy habit that makes people dirty. It only reveals the dirt that’s already in our hearts. It’s an indicator that we’re feeding the wrong desires. That’s why problems with lustful actions are symptoms of deeper heart problems.

Masturbation is built on a self-centered view of sex. This wrong attitude says that sex is solely about you and your pleasure. Your body. Your genitals. Your orgasm. This is the natural tendency of sin. It isolates us from others and makes pleasure self-focused. When our lustful desires are given free rein, sex is pushed into a corner and made completely self-centered, isolated experience that reinforces a self-centered view of life.

Marriage and sex are inseparable in God’s design. You can’t have one without the other.

God is telling us that before we can view sex accurately, we have to take marriage seriously. We have to understand that in God’s sight, when a man and woman marry and join their bodies together sexually, something spiritual occurs – they really do become “one”.

CS Lewis compares having sex outside of marriage to a person who enjoys he sensation of chewing and tasting food, but doesn’t want so swallow the food and digest it.

If you cultivate a habit of masturbation, don’t assume it will end once you’re married. I know my married people who continue to be tempted. Sometimes “solo sex” seems easier, even more pleasurable, than the work involved with maintaining intimacy with your spouse and unselfishly seeking to give him or her pleasure. But a husband or a wife who turns to masturbation in marriage becomes a rival to his or her own spouse. The act of masturbation draws them away from each other.

The world has abandoned marriage and commitment for a lifestyle for empty “hookups”. Don’t follow the world’s pattern. Pursue God’s gifts of marriage. God has given marriage to us for our good. The world is increasingly delaying and avoiding marriage – we should do the opposite. No one should be ashamed to want to marry young and enjoy the wife (or husband) of their youth. Marriage is great. Sex in marriage is terrific! We’re not just called to guard the marriage bed; I think more Christian singles should be running toward it.

When it comes to our entertainment choices – a lot of Christians are more concerned with what others might think that with what God thinks.

God has begun to show me just how much my unhealthy media diet has fed my lust and negatively affected my spiritual life. When I’ve come to see us that no matter how much I study the Bible, pray, and ask God to help me conquer lust, I’ll never move forward in holiness if I’m filling my mind with lustful images and ungodly themes through entertainment.

Television and film stir up feelings and emotions that bypass our minds and go straight for our affections. The incredible power of media is that it can make something evil look good or exciting without appearing to make any argument at all.

If we’re to honor God with our entertainment choices, we must be willing to carefully evaluate how what we watch affects our love for God. We must be willing to wrestle with our standards and often refuse to watch what other think is permissible.

Yellow 2012

How I miss writing!!!! >.<

Hmm, kalo diliat dari jumlah tulisanku ... tahun 2011 jauh lebih sedikit dari 2010 yg juga tidak banyak ~ haha~!

Biasanya aku itu adalah fans sejati "momen2 yg memorable", such as birthdays, anniversaries, and new year tentunya. Aku suka banget refleksi diri ~ haha! Interopeksi and bikin resolusi - to help me to kejar target and goals ... karena aku tipe orang yg super ambisius...

Nah, akir taon 2011, aku sungguh mengalami kesulitan tuk refleksi .. karena, aku realized that 2011 was a tough year for me~! Aku mengalami burnt out yg super parah -- sehingga aku sampe ga mampu do anything anymore!

Though 2011 was tough, aku belajar hal yang sangat berharga --- kalau nilai diriku bukanlah dari performancesku ..

Bukan dari seberapa banyak tulisan yang aku tulis.

Dari seberapa banyak buku yang aku baca.

Seberapa banyak adik2 wanita (maupun pria) yang aku layani.

Bukan dari seberapa banyak uang yang aku berikan kepada orang lain.

Bukan dari seberapa banyak waktu aku pakai tuk orang lain (dan bukan untuk diriku) ...

Tapi hanya dari siapa aku di hadapan Tuhan! Nilaiku tidak akan berkurang walau performa-ku turun~ dan sebaliknya.

2011 - secara performa, nilai produktivitas -- sangatlah berkurang banyak! Grafik turun drastis..

Tapi, once again, aku belajar hal terindah dan diingatkan... that I am precious because I am His - not because of what I do~

Di awal tahun 2012 (padahal baru 10 hari) - aku berusaha tuk bikin resolusi - set2 goals etc (remember, I am super ambitious) .. tapi tetep tuh, sampe skrg ... belum berhasil~

God was like, "sante aja donk eyn~~~!! First thing first, precious girl.... just keep constantly coming to Me... and You'll know what to do!"

Oke God, this year~

Aku ga mau ikutin agenda super ambisiusku ...

I don't want to depend on my own strength (I screwed up last year, what?!) -

I want to learn how to rest - 'coz it's really miserable to be burnt out ~~ (salah sendiri sih eyn~~~~!!!!!)

Eyn mau set priorities - bukan dari what people expect me to do, but what YOU want to do in my life! (oh, God, that's not easy!)

I want to please You - not people ...

Mau nempel terus - seperti carang nempel ke pokok anggur! Karena apart from You, I am nothing!

There! The best thing I could think about my 2012 ~~ haha~!

Oh and btw,

do u know that 2012' color trend is yellow?! I heard from some people (and I chose to believe them!) hahaha!

So, I guess 2012 is really the best year for me to say YELLOW to my own wedding, rite?

(Fyi, yellow has been my color since forever!)

Yellow in 2012 is so perfect! Yihaaaaa!!!