when God brings back my past

April 6th, 2011

Are u familiar with “I hope he is my first and my last”, girls? I believe most of us ever had that thought! At least, I did!

Krn, tentu-nya pada umumnya, ketika kita commit tuk menjalani suatu hubungan, kita berharap kalo the relationship will last.. *I am talking about serious relationship * I am pretty sure, kita ga ada rencana putus!

But, the thing is tidak semua orang berkesempatan menikah dgn her first boyfriend.

Tidak semua orang berkesempatan mengetahui (dan mengerti) sejak dia kecil – ketika apa yg namanya “cinta” sudah mulai menaburkan benihnya di hati – bahwa pacaran itu untuk something serious – bukan hanya sekedar “teman saya sudah punya pacar, saya juga harus!” – or - bukan karena “kalo saya tidak pacaran, tar dipikir saya tidak laku, so lebih baik saya terima siapapun yg nembak saya” – atau - “masa saya harus sendirian pas attend sweet 17th party or prom nite?” – ataupun – karena “kata orang, hidup hanya sekali, jadi explore lah selagi kamu bisa, toh ga ada ruginya pacaran”.

Tidak semua orang berkesempatan diajarkan ataupun mendengar pengalaman pahit dari orang yg lebih tua bahwa “pacaran hanya dengan fondasi suka sama suka (baca = cinta sejati) itu tetap ada kesempatan putus” … dan tidak semua orang, for sure, mengetahui dari awal bahwa yg dibilang “lebih baik sakit gigi daripada sakit hati” itu adalah FAKTA!

Ya, beberapa orang, atau mungkin sebagian besar orang menikah dengan pacar-nya yg kesekian.

*Untuk-ku pribadi tentunya, I hope he is my second and my last. *

Bagiku, “berkesempatan” saying “he was my first and certainly not my last” adalah masa2 pergumulan dan kehancuran terhebat *sejauh ini* setelah kematian my grannie.

Seminggu belakangan ini, karena satu hal, membuat pikiranku cukup kacau ttg my relationship skrg *dan actually, membuat hatiku cukup sakit*, not being able to share my feelings with anyone,

(“Many times I have been forced to my knees, realizing there was no other place to go”. –Abraham Lincoln-)

aku menuangkan hatiku dan menceritakan semuanya ke Tuhan – dari yg tidak tau apa2 *mengapa, apa dan bagaimana”, pelan-pelan dia bukakan “what’s actually going on with me?”

it’s not that my relationship was in trouble, tapi justru karena my relationship skrg is such a blessing, and I thank about it everyday-lah, aku jadi "kacau".

Then, aku realized, yg membuat-ku luar biasa kacau, adalah karena aku takut gagal! Aku takut kalo segala sesuatu yg indah harus berakhir dst… PARNO abiz :$ aku yang “huhu, mengapa harus ada yg namanya kegagalan di masa lalu? Kalo harus gagal, mengapa aku harus pacaran at the first place“

I felt helpless, I shouted… “I NEED HELP!!”

And what amazing God He is, saat itu juga, aku buka “My Utmost for His Highest”, and u wouldn’t believe what’s written there……

Never be afraid when God brings back your past. Let your memory have its way with you. It is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you. God will turn what might have been into a wonderful lesson of growth for the future.

-----

Seketika itu juga, badaiku Dia tenangkan.. Dia, Allah yg menjawab kegalauan hatiku when I needed it the most – Dia reminded me once again, "everything is under My control, Eyn!"

Dear, girls, of course, “sepertinya” semua akan lebih indah – bila tidak pernah ada yg namanya hancur hati karena putus cinta, namun bukan berarti hidup kita akan hancur berantakan, dan kita tidak akan punya next relationship yg jauh lebih indah.

*aku bilang “sepertinya”, karena aku tidak lagi mengerti apa itu rasanya kalo aku tidak pernah mengalami patah hati, yg ku rasakan saat ini adalah Tuhan sungguh bekerja luar biasa sepanjang hidupku – walau aku tidak berkesempatan to have my first boyfriend to be my last. *

Mungkin saja, seandainya saat itu (13 tahun yang lalu), aku tidak membiarkan perasaan hati bergejolak menguasai pikiranku *kalo P. Tong bilang – pacaran masa remaja adalah pacaran paling murni, karena mereka hanya lihat cinta, bukan karir, bukan kedudukan, bukan materi. Dan aku meng-AMIN-i hal itu* -- seandainya saat itu, aku bisa konsul dulu ke hamba Tuhan – or seandainya saat itu, aku taat ke mama “masi kecil, jangan pacaran dulu!” – mungkin aku tidak perlu mengalami hancur hati!

BUT GOD, Dia Allah yang bekerja dalam segala sesuatu * baik dalam kesalahanku * untuk mendatangkan kebaikan bagiku.(Roma 8:28)

I am not suggesting you to “kalo gitu, coba aja, pacaran lah – toh kalo salah, Tuhan bekerja kok!!!” NO!!!!

yg aku mau katakan adalah, walaupun kita gagal – selalu ada yg Tuhan mampu kerjakan tuk mendatangkan kebaikan bagi kita.

Yes, ada kesalahan, ada konsekuensi, ada sakit parah~~! Tapi ketika kita mau bertekuk lutut – menyerah di hadapan Tuhan, Dia akan mengganti tangis kita menjadi sukacita besar.

Kegagalanku membuatku menyadari – bahwa cinta yg murni sekalipun tidak cukup untuk menjaga suatu relationship, hanya Allah-lah yg mampu. Ya, I did put my confidence in my love, not in Him.

Pengalaman ku berpacaran masa remaja, membuatku mampu bilang ke adik2ku di remaja …”mengapa sebaiknya tidak pacaran saat remaja, bukan karena cici jago secara teori, tapi karena cici pernah praktek secara langsung dan cici harus bayar mahal.”

Hancur-nya hatiku membuatku melihat mujizat Tuhan yg luar biasa – dari sebuah hati yg sepertinya tidak ada harapan untuk pulih, menjadi sebuah hati baru yg mampu mengasihi kembali. I said it again, for me, it’s a miracle.

Aku experienced setiap kata dari lagu “Sentuh Hatiku” *lagu2 di awal putus cinta*

Betapa ku mencintai segala yg tlah terjadi, tak pernah sendiri jalani hidup ini selalu menyertai.

Betapa ku menyadari, di dalam hidupku ini, Kau selalu memberi rancangan yg terbaik oleh karena kasih.

Bapa, sentuh hatiku, ubah hidupku menjadi yg baru, bagai emas yg murni Kau membentuk bejana hatiku

Bapa, ajar ku mengerti semua kasih yg selalu memberi, bagai air mengalir, yg tiada pernah berhenti.

Dan, kesempatan ku menjadi single lagi – adalah masa2 Tuhan menyatakan kembali nilai dirku di hadapanNya, siapa aku, dan apa yg Dia mau kerjakan dalam hidupku. *nah, ini juga kenapa, adik2ku sayang, kenapa cici anjurkan “jgn pacaran dulu skrg” – krn kalian butuh waktu tuk kenal dirimu …. * dan really, aku sangat bersyukur akan hal ini.

So, dear girls…..dimanapun posisi mu saat ini…

Entah kamu masi mampu berharap that your guy would be your first and last… bersyukurlah akan that privilege, ikuti waktu Tuhan karena saat ini adalah redeeming time, waktu yg tidak akan pernah kembali.

Atau…

Kamu baru saja mengucapkan “selamat jalan cita2ku” – ijinkan Tuhan masuk dalam hati-mu dan meng-operasi bagian terintim dalam hidup mu. Don’t let other man to fix your heart, it is His!

Here’s why = hanya Tuhan yg mampu mengobati hati kita, karena Dia lah yg created it. AND, you want to love your next guy with hatimu yg utuh – bukan dengan hatimu yg hancur. Kalo Justin Bieber bilang “I just need somebody to love!” yeah .. we need somebody to love, TAPI, dgn hati yg sudah mengampuni – dgn hati yg sudah dipulihkan – dgn hati yg siap tuk mengasihi dgn kasih yg murni.

It took me years ..haha (well, waktu semua orang tidak sama). Awal2, aku tutup hatiku – I let Him to operate it, and pada saat it’s ready – aku ikut maunya Dia – dan aku merasakan lagi indahnya mengasihi seperti cinta pertama…

(bahkan dengan lebih indah, karena hatiku semakin terasah to memancarkan kasih yg lebih murni *dan Allah tidak pernah berhenti bekerja, I constantly pray to Him to purify my heart so I could love unselfishly* )

Lupakan yg dunia bilang "satu2 caranya tuk melupakan mantan pacar adalah dengan mendapat pacar baru" -- itu berarti, kita membawa luka ke dalam suatu hubungan yg baru. You don't want that!

Really, girls, Dia mampu melakukan miracle dalam hati kita!! He is the Creator! And, ur man (ur future husband) deserves hati kita yg utuh dan yg sudah dipulihkan. It’s not his job, once again I would say, to fix your heart. Serahkan kepada ahlinya, the Creator!

Atau…

Kamu (seperti aku) sedang tahap mendoakan cowo kedua-mu, or ketiga, or seterusnya to be your last! Jadikan kegagalan / kesalahan / pengalaman kita to menjadi sthing really wonderful for our future. Don’t be afraid and ga perlu pula menyesali “kenapa aku bodoh dulu? Kenapa aku salah dulu?” – dan - marilah, ajarilah adik2 kita kegagalan / kesalahan / pengalaman kita. Karena, really, there are reasons mengapa kita harus mengalami itu semua, buat ku, salah satunya – supaya aku bisa share things kepada adik2ku yg kukasihi – dan nanti kelak ke anak2ku.

DAN …

Kalau kamu adalah anak2 sekolah minggu cici……………… Cerita2 ke cici ;) ayuk!

<3 All by His grace <3

'til He completes...

April 2nd, 2011

Beberapa hari yg lalu, I asked my friend how she was - and she replied "I am much better, Lyn, and spt yg lu doain ke gue - Tuhan will continue the good work within me yg He has started at the first place. Thanks, Lyn!"

Yup, aku sering sekali quote ayat ini:

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 ... ketika aku mendoakan orang lain - or memimpin doa bersama2, karena ayat ini juga yg berulang kali aku doakan ketika hatiku mulai goyah di tengah2 perjalananku *dalam banyak area*

Then, aku berpikir ... "Wih bener yah, ayat ini emang dahsyat !! Asik bener emang krn Tuhan ga akan stop sampe kerjaan dalam hidupku tuntas! Bisa tenang bgt deh! :D"

lalu aku mulai melihat2 kamar2 dalam hidupku "is it really true, semuanya baik2 saja? does God really work in my life?"

- pekerjaan - family - finances - relationships - ministries - dreams and so on -

semakin aku merenung, kalo hatiku ibaratnya bunga yg sedang mekar -- tiba2 layu.

Boro2 semuanya baik2 saja, yg ada aku struggle everyday *begitu pikirku* keadaanku tidak baik! >.<

Dan suddenly aku realized at that moment, seringkali keadaan *yg menurutku* tidak baik membuatku lupa pada satu hal yang tidak pernah berubah, bahwa ALLAH ITU BAIK!

dan betapa baiknya Allahku, saat itu juga - lagu di mobilku yg berputar adalah...

Kecaplah dan lihatlah, betapa baiknya Tuhan itu.

Rasakan dan nikmati, kasih setia Tuhan.

Syukur bagiMu Tuhan, segalah hormat bagiMu Tuhan.

Allah yang mengasihiku - Allah yang memeliharaku selamanya.

Ketika aku mampu mengecap – melihat – merasakan – menikmati kebaikan Tuhan yg tidak pernah berubah, itulah ketika aku melihat situasiku dari kacamataNya.

Aku menyadari, bagaimana seringkali situasi membuatku meragukan kebaikanNya dan pekerjaanNya dalam hidupku.

(itulah gunanya aku hafal ay Filipi 1:6.. haha.. jadi ketika ragu2 lagi, aku terus diingatkan akan kebenaran firmanNya :$)

God cares more about my character than He does my comfort. And saat2 tidak indah *menurutku* adalah saat pembentukan yg sebenarnya adalah indah.

Dia memulai pekerjaan yang baik dalam diriku – yaitu, diriku sendiri – dan Dia akan mengakhirinya – sampai aku serupa dengan Dia.

Putus dengan pacar - adalah hal yg mnrt siapapun adalah disaster - tapi buatku, itu adalah bagian Tuhan membentuk hatiku dengan luar biasa hebatnya. (sekarang sih dah bisa ngomong gini.. haha... dulu aja nangis2 bombay - sampe sakit2an)

Bekerja banting tulang (dan lemak) di negeri penjajah demi sesuap nasi (dan segoncreng roti, eskrim, snacks...tiket jakarta-jepang) - mgkn adalah hal yg cukup dkasihani - tapi buatku, itu bagian Tuhan mempersiapkanku tuk tanggung jawab yg lebih besar. (dulu aja mikir...."mengapa saya harus bangun jam 5 dan pulang jam 10 malam buat kerjaaaaa??!? mengapa saya harus nyapuuuuu - cuci piring - dimarahin orjep2? enakan di indoooooo)

Dan one thing yg Tuhan ingatkan aku hari ini adalah pekerjaan Tuhan di setiap orang tidak sama.

Kemajuan teknologi (ok, i am talking about fb!) membuat kita dengan mudah tau apa yg terjadi dgn kehidupan orang lain.. padahal (mgkn) mostly hanya good parts of their lives yg people show on their facebooks ..

Aku bukan berarti bilang STOP CHECKING ON OTHERS' FB!! NO NO!

Tetapi jangan jadikan kondisi orang lain sebagai tolak ukur!

Karena:

1. We never really know how people struggle inside.

2. Tuhan bekerja dengan cara yg berbeda dalam diri setiap orang – oh Tuhan itu begitu unik dan creative :D

Bukan berarti, keadaan kita lebih buruk *baca=bodoh* dibanding teman kita, yg dulu rankingnya di bawah kita, sekarang dah jadi professor or dokter bedah syaraf (hihi, saya ngefans sama si Derek Shepherd - Grey's Anatomy soalnya) * karena facebook bilang!*

Or "oh no mantan pacar udah kawin, sementara saya masi jomblo!! >.<"

Atau mengganggap teman kita lebih sukses karena kerja dari terbit matahari sampai pada masuknya sambil mengelilingi bumi juga, sedangkan kerjaan kita gini2 aja (tenggo - duduk aja di kantor >.<)

(….ok, I’ll stop rite here, coz to be honest with you, I am not really good at this! Haha)

My point is, sekali lagi, He works differently dalam setiap kita …

Buatku pribadi, membandingkan diriku sendiri (saat ini) dengan diriku sendiri (dulu) sangat lebih membantu daripada membandingkan diriku sendiri dengan orang lain.

*of course ga ada salahnya, belajar dari orang lain dan tidak puas dengan diri sendiri … hanya, jangan sampai itu membuat kita feel incomplete or distressed by our shortcomings. Keep learning from others! ^^

Refleksi diri, membuatku mengingat kembali kebaikan Tuhan (yg sering kali susah kita rasakan ketika keadaan sedang tidak baik)– dan menyadarkanku bahwa semua yg kucapai sampai saat ini adalah anugrahNya, dan bukti pekerjaanNya yg nyata dalam hidupku. Dan bagiku, itu adalah kekuatan tuk melangkah ke depan.

Kita mungkin tidak secemerlang – sesukses – sekaya orang lain - or relationship kita tidak semulus/seindah orang lain, namun pekerjaanNya tidak terbatas pada bagaimana diri kita dibanding dengan orang lain. Tapi kepada bagaimana diri kita disempurnakan setiap hari 'tuk menjadi sesuai rancanganNya semula (apapun itu yg sudah Tuhan prepared buat kita - yang unik dan berbeda dari orang lain).

Aku berharap kita semua bisa seperti Paulus .... saying that there has never been (or kalo dulu pernah) -- : from now on, there will never be the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in me would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. (the message)

He always has time for you

March 8th, 2011

My primary love language is quality time. Posisi nomor 2 yg hanya berpaut sangat sedikit dgn nomor 1 adalah words of affirmation. *tapi hari ini, aku lg pengen cerita ttg si "quality time"*

Oke, buat temen2 yg ga pernah denger ttg love language - aku kupas dikit aja ..

so, love language itu adalah "bahasa" dalam mengungkapkan kasih kita kepada orang lain, dan di sisi lain merasakan kasih dari orang lain. Gary Chapman, bilang ada 5:

1. Words of affirmation.

Termasuk dalamnya adalah words of encouragement, words of praise.

Jadi ini tipe2 orang yg bener2 mengungkapkan kasihnya lewat perkataan.. "i love you" "you look wonderful tonite" "i appreciate what you did to me" "i know you can do it, i always believe you" adalah contoh2nya.. Orang yg primary love language ini, pretty much akan sering ungkapin "how she/he feels", mereka akan appreciate people by saying it.. begitu pula, mereka akan berasa disayang ketika mendengar hal2 tersebut.

2. Gifts.

Well, walau mgkn for some people bunga akan layu, or teddy bear hanyalah sebuah boneka mati - bagi orang yg love language-nya gifts.. it's more than just a thing! Dalam bukunya, Gary Chapman tulis

A gift is a tangible object that say, "I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this. I love you."

Gifts are visual symbols of love.

3. Acts of service.

They show their love by serving, dan they feel they're loved when they're served.

4. Quality time.

Yang begini2, yg sangat suka spend time with people they love. Entah itu doing activities together, communicate .. or just being with each other.

5. Pyhsical touch.

They hug, mereka menepuk2 bahu, they hold hands.

---------------

well, ini dikit saja dari yg aku bisa kupas, supaya ada sedikit gambaran :$

haha, kalo ada yg penasaran..mgkn kapan2 aku bisa bagiin excerpt yg aku tulis, or enaknya silahkan baca langsung

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Oke, kembali ke "cerita"ku....

My primary is quality time.

*of course, tentunya.. ketika kita sayang seseorang kita speak in all languages, 5 of them ..

namun tetap ada yg menjadi primary - yg secara natural kita ungkapkan dan secara natural kita rasakan ketika kita menerimanya..

so, it's important to understand our love languages dan orang yg kita sayangi.. supaya maksimal dan kena ke target ;) *

Buatku, nonton CSI jadi lebih menarik bareng dede'ku.. American Idol juga jauh lebih menyenangkan saat my mom ntn bareng *walau mami ga terlalu ngerti * Aku sangat bersyukur dgn teknologi bernama "Skype" yg mengobati sedikit kebutuhanku dalam LDR ..

Satu hal yg aku selalu constantly doakan adalah .. supaya aku punya kasih yg unselfish .. kasih yg lebih memikirkan kebutuhan orang lain, lebih dari kebutuhanku sendiri .. *well, u know, since kita masi hidup dalam peperangan, aku selalu jatuh berulang kali, namun aku tau itu adalah gol-ku.. = mengasihi seperti Kristus.. deng! i know it's hard... *

Sering kali aku pulang ke rumah, aku cari dede'ku, and see apa dia bisa diganggu ..ternyata dia lagi belajar or lagi ama pacarnya .. u know, seberapapun desperate-nya aku pengen ngobrol dan "temenin cici donk de" -- aku selalu berusaha tuk.. "have your own time, my sis, i miss you" ..

Aku realize that people punya their own business .. seberapa besarnya mereka sayang kita, they have their own lives and i want them to have it too *coz i love 'em* , and tidak selamanya mereka ada saat kita butuh.

Oke, buat people yg primary love language-nya bukan quality time .. maybe, hal ini "mereka tidak ada saat kita butuh" tidak terlalu menjadi masalah, tapi buatku ... it's something yg selalu ku-perjuangkan. Adalah saat aku memilih untuk mengasihi dan memikirkan kebutuhan mereka (giving them space) daripada berusaha supaya kebutuhanku akan waktu mereka terpenuhi.

Pagi ini.. memulai ritual pagiku dengan ipod + speaker x-mini baru dari pacar baik hati .. sambil mandi -- tiba2 Chris Tomlin nyanyi "Unfailing Love" ... *ah, this song has been my fave song..* tapi hari ini .. 2 kalimat begitu menyentakkan hatiku dan jreng jreng.... MY TRUE LOVE mengungkapkan dengan jelas kepadaku ... betapa He has unfailing love for me ...

"And everything You hold in Your hand

Still You make time for me

I can't understand"

lagu ini ga pernah menjadi begitu indah .. sampai aku menyadari hal terindah, bagaimana MY LOVER really speaks my language.. and lebih hebat lagi, He never fails.. though Tuhan super sibuk dengan milliaran manusia yg berdoa setiap detik - dengan alam semesta yg harus dia tata * dan things yg ga akan pernah bisa aku bayangkan * still He makes time for me, I can't understand.

Namun one thing yg I did understand and feel again today, He is so busy expressing His love to me 'til I understand and remember once again how He loves me unfailingly ..

He speaks my language! I know He speaks yours too :)

cinta oh cinta

February 14th, 2011

1. Justru tidur saya akan tenang, setelah mendengar dia mendengkur keras. Itu berarti, dia sudah tidur dengan nyenyak.

2. One thing I miss the most about him when he's not around is the smell of his sweat.

3. Kalo ga pake make up, she looks like a kid. Cute!

Make up natural, paling oke.

Make up full, tuntutan pekerjaan, jadi gue dukung.

Ah doesn't matter lah with or without make up, gue suka.

4. Udah minum tolak angin, udah oles minyak kayu putih, sekarang yang aku butuhkan cuma satu untuk bisa sembuh total = sentuhan mama.

5. No need to go out for dinner lah, I want nothing but telor buatan mama.

Ga ada satupun dari kalimat di atas yg fiktif..

Sebelum terlelap kmrn malam, *mengingat hari ini Valentine’s Day*, aku jadi terpikir bagaimana LOVE can actually mengubah "panca indera" kita.. It's not that panca indra kita jadi mati rasa! But, love really does something, at least, for me. :$

*supaya lebih gampang bacanya .. aku bikin "me to you" saja.. ga "me to him/her" yah hehe*

Love makes me..

1. Think about your comfort rather than mine. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy and I want you to grow to the very best!

2. Feel comfortable to be close to you. Being with you is actually the place where I want to be.

3. Think that you are beautiful all the time.

4. Need you so bad. It doesn't mean that I can't live without you, but I want you to be a part of my life and want to share my life with you. You are like a "finishing touch" that completes my day.

5. Choose normal -dinners, dates, holiday and even life- with you in it over fancy ones without you.

Cinta oh cinta....

Happy Valentine's Day <3

Message of the day = LOVE! and tell the person you love "I Love You" <3

@ Arief : I love you :)

it's soooo not about me..

February 13th, 2011

This weekend, I was given a wonderful opportunity - mission trip ke 1 sekolah di cianjur. *thanks to my friend, Poty, tuk ngajakin, itu bener2 bukan suatu kebetulan we "talked" di bbm dari pagi*. Sejujurnya, pada awalnya aku ga clear dgn what I should do, pokonya aku joined dgn pemikiran "I will help with anything there". Karena 1 dan lain hal, aku jadi "kebagian tugas" tuk mimpin 2 jam acara dsana, which I loved! haha~~! But still, I was clueless dgn situasi in the field -berapa banyak orang yg akan kami layani - gmana kondisi mereka - , bahkan I had no idea ttg gereja yg adain the trip. Yg aku tau hanya - it's a korean church, yg punya visi tuk Indonesia..

For me, it's a wow and a wake up call, kalo orang asing punya kerinduan Indonesia penuh kemuliaan Tuhan, sedangkan aku yg actually live here and interact with the people sometimes terlena dengan "kenikmatan" hidupku.. it was one of the reasons too why I wanted to join, "Tuhan.. mereka punya hati 'tuk Indonesia!"

Kami berangkat really early in the morning, dgn rencana bisa sampe dsana at least sblm lunch to prepare things sblm acara – jam 2. But, it was Saturday.. and uowoow.. macet >.< kita coba lewat jalan alternatif.. and tradaaadaa... teteeep >.

Sampe sana jam 1 (remember! aku clueless dgn situasi - padahal aku hoped sampe sana earlier to at least "get to know"..tapi oh well) Tiba disana, di aula full with unfamiliar faces, none of them I knew.. haha! There were 40(?) Koreans ..and anak2 Indo dari gereja itu yg sehari sblmnya sudah dsana. They just finished their lunch, were sitting in groups. Cukup ricuh tuk ruangan yg cukup panas.

We (yg baru menyusul hari Sabtu) had quick lunch, setelah itu aku berusaha cari tau entah kepada siapa, at least, aku mau tau "aku bakal 'beracara' dmana". And it turned out, tetep aja – ga jelas.. haha! But I was prepared..krn aku datang dgn, "Tuhan, biar Tuhan yg atur ntar jadinya gmana supaya setiap perkataanku itu jadi 'kata Tuhan' .. bukan ‘kata Erlyn'!"

Jam 2 kurang, Ibu Gembala asked me to sing.. (aku masi ga ngeh harus apa, masi ga kenal siapa2 – kecuali temen semobil…) tapi aku pikir, "ok, I know the song…" tapi tetep, aku ga ngerti .. napa aku harus nyanyi.. haha! Then, aku nanya … "Bu, saya nyanyi buat apa ini yah?"

"Supaya mereka bisa tenang (the Koreans and anak2 Indo itu) and bersiap acara sudah mau mulai!"

Aku baru sadar …. It was 1.55pm.. and anak2 daerah sana (yang akan kami layani) sebagian sudah menunggu di depan aula.

I sang… sambil "menunggu perintah selanjutnya"… Then, Ibu Gembala took another microphone and started to talk….sing and pray:

The very simple sentence yg mengiang2 terus di pikiranku sampai saat ini,

"2 jam ini bukan tentang kita, tetapi tentang jiwa!"

"untuk 2 jam kedepan .. kita fokus bukan ke diri kita….."

Aku yakin maksud "hanya 2 jam" itu adalah to get the attention and to remind semua yg melayani hari itu .. bahwa setidaknya 2 jam ini "layanilah Tuhan dan jiwa2 dengan sepenuh hatimu…"

Tapi bagiku, perkataan 2" jam" itu mengingatkanku , bahwa hidupku – seumur hidupku bukan tentang diriku, tetapi tentang jiwa … tentang Tuhan dipermuliakan dalam hidupku. Bukan untuk dilayani, tetapi untuk melayani… Bukan untuk dikasihi, tetapi untuk mengasihi..

"Aduh ini super too much to take in …" seumuuuuuuur hidup? I know!

Membayangkan seumur hidup, really ga kebayang ..

That’s why .. aku sangat suka dgn "2 jam" itu..

At least, untuk "2 jam kedepan" kita bisa sungguh2 melayani dengan sepenuh hati, akal budi dan kekuatan kita.

Hidup kita terdiri dari detik - menit - jam - hari - bulan - dan tahun..

Itu berarti, akan ada "2 jam-2 jam" lainnya, tuk kita jadikan kesempatan melayani dan memberi.

Mari kita belajar tuk setia dalam segala perkara, tuk beri terbaik dalam setiap kesempatan "2 jam" yg Tuhan anugrahkan bagi kita, tuk fokus kepada orang lain bukan kepada diri kita sendiri.

One step a time, one chance at a time, but be aware not to miss any chances.

Di penutupan mission trip, Pak Gembala bilang "the mission tidak berakhir.. it just started!". Oh, I totally agree....!

Apapun panggilan kita, itulah ladang kita. Kita semua full-timer :D 24/7 kita adalah utusanNya di tempat kita masing2 yg telah Tuhan tempatkan. *wherever we are, whatever we do.

Kembali, tuk berdoa "hidupku bukan tentangku, Tuhan" adalah suatu komitmen yg besar.

Mungkin kita bisa belajar tuk berdoa .. "Tuhan aku mau hidupku bukan tentangku, I know it's a big thing, Lord, tapi ini yg kurindukan. Dan saat ini Tuhan, 8 jam ke depan ketika aku bekerja hari ini di kantor ini, aku fokus kepada jiwa - bukan kepada diriku...

... 5 menit ke depan ketika aku nyanyi di mimbar, ini tentang jiwa - dan Tuhan dipermuliakan...

... 20 menit ke depan ketika aku menyambut jemaatMu di pintu muka gereja......

.... 30 menit ke depan ketika aku berdoa untuk bangsa ini...

.. Help me to see setiap opportunity dan bentuk hati ku supaya peka... "

" I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest." -Jesus Christ-

taken or take for granted?

January 26th, 2011

Kemarin, aku ada ngobrol sama sepasang temanku (mereka berpacaran). Si cewe cerita bgmana dia bereaksi ketika mereka lagi berantem.

"Dulu2 … gue pasti diemin dulu dia! Kalo dtanya, 'kamu kenapa?' …gue jawab 'tebak aja sendiri'.. dan yg ada cowo gue malah – ninggalin dan maen game! Cape kan?...

Lama2, setiap x dia nanya gue kenapa, tanpa gengsi2, gue langsung jawab … 'gue kesel…soalnya bla bla bla…' eh tapi respon cowo gue cuma'‘ooh ok, berarti gini gini yah'…. huhuhu..padahal kan mau dimanjain dan disayang2 kan....?

Akirnya sekarang …. Kalo lagi kesel…gue diemin aja dia dulu sehari sampe puas .. supaya bisa dibae2in dulu…"

Cowonya nyeletuk …"kenapa kamu gitu skrg?.............. supaya ga di take for granted yah?”

*and we all laughed*

Aku ga banyak komentar kmrn, karena aku ngerti banget - baik di pihak cowonya - apalagi di sisi cewenya. Aku ga suka berantem (duh, siapa yg suka?! ) dan buatku ngambek itu ga enak, walaupun harus menurunkan gengsi sampe serendah2nya *padahal gengsi itu benernya ego sendiri..haha* , aku akan memilih 'tuk jawab immediately "aku sedih karena ini ..." *walaupun most of the time, aku tetep nunggu dtanyain dulu "kamu kenapa?" haha!

eniweeiii..

tapi aku truly understand, kebutuhan 'tuk di-touch lebih dalam emotionally, 'tuk merasakan bahwa he actually cares about what's going on with me *women's first need = to be loved.. padahal kan, cara orang show their love beda2 yah, kita ga bisa expect to be loved in certain ways, galz!!*

Nah, buatku yang sangat menarik dari conversation mereka kmrn adalah, respon "supaya ga di take for granted" ...

*kalo kata dictionary – artinya to give little attention to or to underestimate the value of or to fail to appreciate*

Aku jadi reflect ke diriku sendiri.. seberapa sering aku pake that phrase.. seberapa sering aku suka with-hold showing my love and care krn worry "ah.. tar di take for granted".. aku juga sering kecewa karena berasa ..."he/she took my kindness for granted"... bahkan ketika dtanya the reason why I broke up with my ex, I always answer "to make a long story short, he took me for granted" ...............

Namun lama kelamaan, by His grace, aku realized..itu semua karena kasih yg kumiliki bercela - egois - expecting sthing in return - sangat jauuuuh dari standard kasih Kristus!!!

"tapi kita kan manusiaaa biasaaaa, lyn"

SETUJU!!

Elisabeth Elliot di The Mark of a Man bilang gini ... *yg membuatku ... "Tuhan... betapa malunya eyynnnnn"*

To aim at loving instead of at being loved requires sacrifice. Love reaches out, willing to be turned down or inconvenienced, expecting no personal reward, waiting only to give.

But that's an impossible standard for a human being's love, you'll say. You're not Everlasting Love - far from it. The unavoidable fact, however, is that this "impossible" standard is the standard. There isn't any other standard we are to measure our love. "...love one another as I have loved you", Jesus said..

Seberapa sering *sebenernya SELALU, adalah kata yg lebih tepat*, aku "mengukur" kasih yg aku berikan ke orang lain dengan kasih yg aku dapat... and.. itulah ketika phrase "i was taken for granted" muncul...padahal standar yg harusnya kumiliki adalah Jesus' love! the "impossible standard" I long to reach!

Have I loved one another as Jesus has loved me? *you don't have to know me well to answer the question, the answer is definitely NO!*

Kemarin malam adalah puncak PMS ku di bulan ini *aku bukan tipe marah2 sih, tapi selalu geje emosi-nya.. bawaannya mau nangis dan laaaapppaaar* dan kemarin, aku super uring2an... "kecewa kecewa kecewa!!!" dgn bbrp temanku *for silly reasons* I actually heard a little voice from Heaven.."Eyn, why should be disappointed? Love 'em unselfishly!"

"Ga ah Tuhan... eyn lagi pms! Pokonya kesel!"

Then, sebelum aku tertidur pulas dan setelah aku bangun dari tidur nyenyak ku, satu hal yg terngiang2 dalam pikiranku ... "Kenapa aku harus selalu punya excuses to melakukan dosa?" "Kenapa dengan gampangnya bernegosiasi 'tuk melakukan hal yg aku tau mengecewakan CINTA SEJATI'ku... ?"... dan the phrase came into my head .. Now, I am taking His love for granted!!! :'(

Though none of my friends knew that I was upset, I disobeyed Him - I chose my emotions to rule over me, not His voice. I should've just had rest in Him and listened!

And bible reading'ku hari ini really surprised me *it made the message i had listened from yesterday crystal clear..*

Ephesians 4:30

"And do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, He has identified you as His own,* guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption."

*aku pake New Living Translation, then ayat ini membuatku pengen tau versi The Message-nya..... *

"Don't grieve God. Don't break His heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted." *dung deng..literally said*

Take for granted may be still my fave phrase... tapi kali ini, instead of "comparing" my love to others, this phrase mengingatkan ku = not to take His love - His salvation - His gift for granted...

I know, it's way too hard!

But, remember, we were made for more! The "impossible" standard is now our standard.

And, we do have Holy Spirit in us.. and He will show us how to do it, as He showed me yesterday and today (from the "fun talk" with my friends to my bible reading), one way to do it =

making no excuses to sin!

and I believe there will be a lot more as we walk with Him....

be passionate purely!

Among all (so few) books I've read, "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot is one that I kept reading on and on. *only the excerpts I wrote myself, of course.. haha.. I wish I have a talent of speed reading, so I can read the whole book often (really), but remember!! I am not a reader at all*

After finished reading The Mark of a Man - wrote the excerpt, and posted it on my fb note, I wondered "Why I never posted Passion and Purity?" *for those of you who read my notes, you might notice that I quoted that book pretty often*

Then, I realized, I am ashamed because almost all things written in there are really things I've been struggling! *it's like she wrote the book on behalf of me:$*

I am struggling to be a woman after His own heart, to put Him as my top priority, to wait quietly and be still when I feel like "I can handle this, I can hold it no more!", to trust Him wholeheartedly when everything seems so blurry, to say "Thy will be done!", to be patient for His perfect time and also, to love my man purely. I am struggling to put my favorite part of this book into practice: "Is it possible to love him as intensely as I do and to be pure enough to desire nothing more in the world than his holiness and happiness?"

But He is a faithful God, He knows the desire of my heart, He gives, as I leave everything to Him"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your heart" He shows me each path I have to take to be a woman He wants me to be! Yes, I struggle! Sometimes, it requires pain - tears, I am tempted and fail hundred times *we are sinners, and we still live in this world*, but really all by His grace - we will be back on the right track!

So.....here they are, be blessed! Be passionate purely! ... then again, you may read the book yourself ~eyn~ :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I charge you, o daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake love until it please.” No one, man or woman, should be agitated about the choice of a mate, should be “asleep” as it were, in the will of God, until it should please Him to “awake” Him.

If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy a little lad.

– Ruth Stull-

A road may seem straightforward to a man

Yet may end as the way to death

Even in laughter the heart may grieve

And mirth may end in sorrow

There is another way: to love what God commands and desire what He promises. It can’t be found except through prayer and obedience. It cuts quite across the other way, takes us where things are not at the mercy of changing fashions and opinions. It is a place where a man’s heart may safely rest – and a woman’s heart too.

A settled commitment to the Lord Christ and a longed-for commitment to Jim Elliot seemed to be in conflict. Discipleship usually brings us into the necessity of choice between duty and desire. They are not always mutually exclusive, however. When our hearts are set on obedience, we can be sure of the needed wisdom to tell the difference between a conflict and a harmony. It may be a slow and painful process.

Better to stick with what God was saying to me than what my heart was saying. It seemed to safer course. I do not repudiate (reject) it now. The only way to build a house on the rock is to hear the Word (I couldn’t have heard it if all I listened to was my feelings) and then to try to do it. The collection of verses in the above journal entry represents warnings and aspirations that shaped my thinking. …. The Holy Spirit was given to guide us into all truth, but He doesn’t do it all at once.

I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence – easier sometimes than to wait patiently.

But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.

Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

Tomorrow is not our business, it is His. Letting it rest with Him is the discipline for the day, and it is enough.

S.D Gordon, in his Quite Talks on Prayer, describes waiting.

It means:

Steadfastness, that is holding on;

Patience, that is holding back;

Expectancy, that is holding the face up;

Obedience, that is holding one’s self in readiness to go or do;

Listening, that is holding quite and still so as to hear.

Give the loneliness to Jesus. The loneliness itself is a material for sacrifice. The very longings themselves can be offered to Him who understands perfectly. The transformation into something He can use for the food of others takes place only when the offering is put into His hands.

The greater the potential for good, the greater the potential for evil. A good and perfect gift, these natural desires. But so much the more necessary that they be restrained, controlled, corrected, even crucified, that they may be reborn in power and purity for God.

For us, this was the way we had to walk, and we walked it, Jim seeing it his duty to protect me, I seeing it mine to wait quietly, not to attempt to woo or entice.

When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die.

– Addison Leitch-

Life requires countless “little” deaths – occasions when we are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God.

The Lord has brought about growth in me through knowing him, something I cannot regret, though there have been times when I wished I’d never met him. I have to give him to the Lord regularly. I live “present tense” more than ever before and have managed to overcome the plaguing desire to know if “we” will eventually “work out. I’ve told the Lord I want to be an obedient servant, and He shot back, “And are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for Me to make you that?’. Even though I felt unable, I said “What choice do I have? I know too much to drop the ball now. There’s no turning back.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. But He has brought me this far and already my joy is unspeakable.

Teach me to feel that Thou art always nigh;

Teach me the struggles of the soul to bear-

To check the rising doubt, the rebel sigh;

Teach me the patience of unanswered prayer.

-GEORGE CROLY- “spirit of God, descend upon my heart”

The hope was always there that God’s will would bring us together. It might not be that, I knew, and I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what His disciples to pray : Thy will be done. Acceptance of whatever means is the great victory of faith that overcomes the world.

Was it possible to love him as intensely as I did and to be pure enough to desire nothing more in the world than his holiness and happiness?

Women are always tempted to be initiators. We like to get things done. We want to talk about situations and feelings, get it all out in the open, deal with it. It appears to us that men often ignore and evade issues, sweep things under the rug, forget about them, get on with projects, business, pleasures, sports, eat a big steak, turn on the tv, roll over and go to sleep. women respond to this tendency by insisting on confrontation, communication, showdown. If we can’t dragoon our men into that, we nag, we plead, we get attention by tears, silence or withholding warmth and intimacy. We have large bag of tricks.

CS Lewis’s vision of purgatory was a place where milk was always boiling over, crockery smashing, and toast burning. The lesson assigned to men was to do something about it. The lesson for the women was to do nothing. That would be purgatory for most of us. Women, especially when it comes to the love life, can hardly stand to do nothing.

If he had loved her, he would have pursued her. He did not want to hurt her, but she would not let go.

Women expect too much of men. Wait on God. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t expect anything until the declaration is clear and forthright. A woman ought to be honest with a man who shows an interest in her.

Let them do the chasing and keep them at arm’s length.

When do men look for?

Femininity, affirmation, encouragement, tenderness, sensitivity, vulnerability, challenging, secure in the Lord, content, can handle adversity, quietly courageous, maternal, not trying to please everybody-but free to pay a compliment now and then, mystery!

A man likes to think there is more in a woman that he can fathom. They don’t want to be told everything the women are thinking, they want to be left to wonder about it and to find out for themselves. A woman’s beauty should reside!

By the grace of God we have not been left to ourselves in the master who is to do the initiating. Adam needed a helper. God fashioned one to the specifications of his need and brought her to him. It was Adam’s job to husband her, that is, he was responsible – to care for, protect, provide for and cherish her. Males, as the physical design alone would show, are made to be initiators. Female are made to be receptors, responders. It was not arbitrarily that God called Himself Israel’s Bridegroom and Israel His Bride, nor Christ the Head and the Church the Body and the Bride. He woos us, calls us, wins us, gives us His name, shares with us His destiny, takes responsibility for us, loves u with a love stronger than death.

You have chosen the roughest road, but it goes straight to the hilltops.

–John Buchan-

It (men and women should hunger for each other) is natural indeed. However it’s not the only things God has in mind for u. We are not meant to live merely by what is natural. We need to learn to live by the supernatural. Ordinary fare will not fill the emptiness in our hearts. My heart was saying, “ Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long,” the Lord was answering, “I must teach you to long for something better”.

It was learning to eat that Living Bread *manna* , sufficient always for one day at a time (not in advance for the five years I feared) that I was taught and disciplined and prepared for later things.

Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall.

Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.

Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down.

And this is all that life really means.

–Robert Louis Stevenson-

I became acutely conscious of it through loving and missing and desperately needing Jim. It was a kind of weakness that surprised and humiliated me. Why should I need him? “Got along without him before I meet him, gonna get along without him now. I wasn’t doing very well without him, and here was another lesson. When there is real weakness, especially of the kind that surprises and humiliates us, it is our opportunity to learn what Pau had to learn …”power comes to its full strength in weakness..”

If your goal is purity of heart, be prepared to be thought very odd.

It is possible for two young people, full of all the juices that youth is endowed with by the Creator, to resist temptation.

I asked the heaven of stars

What should I give my love-

It answered me with silence

Silence above.

I asked the darkened sea

Down where the fishes go –

It answered me with silence

Silence below

Oh, I could give him weeping

Or I could give him a song –

But how can I give silence

My whole life long?

There is pleasure in doing things in the proper order. Certain things properly belong to intimate love which do not properly belong to friendship’s love. Certain things belong to marriage that do not belong to courtship. For everything there is a season.

T.C Upham’s Inward Divine Guidance: “The disposition …. To leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self.”

Nothing was harder for a woman in love to endure and nothing was stronger proof of the character of the man than his restraint power.

Unless a man is prepared to ask a woman to be his wife, what right has he to claim her exclusive attention? Unless she has been asked to marry him, why would a sensible woman promise any man her exclusive attention? If, when the time has come for a commitment, he is not man enough to ask her to marry him, she should give him no reason to presume that she belongs to him.

When stormy winds against us break

Stablish and reinforce our will;

O hear us for Thine own name’s sake

Hold us in strength and hold us still.

Still as the faithful mountains stand

Through the long silent years of stress,

So would we wait at Thy right hand,

In quietness and steadfastness.

But not of us this strength, O Lord,

And not of us this constancy;

Our trust is Thine Eternal Word,

Thy presence our security.

God knows it is a stay to purity, and He knows how many shakings to purity are ahead. (Jim’s letter to EE).

It’s easy to make a mistake here. “If God gave it to me,” we say, “it’s mine. I can do what I want with it.” No. the truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go-if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory.

I suppose one of the reasons I have kept journals and diaries is the desire to gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost. I wrote things there that I could not say to people or write in letters to Jim.

The wanting itself is good, it is right, even God granted, but now God denied, and He has not let me know all the wisdom of the denial.

– Jim Elliot –

The trouble, of course, is that we must learn to love people. People are sinners. Love must be patient when it is tempted (by the delays of other people) to be impatient. Love must not be selfish, even if other people are. Love does not take offence, though people are offensive sometimes. There are wrongs, but love won’t keep score. There are things to be faced, but nothing love can’t face, things to try love’s faith, discourage its hope, and call for its endurance; but it keeps right on trusting, hoping and enduring. Love never ends.

It is impossible to be submissive and religiously patient if ye stay your thoughts down among the confused rollings and wheels of second causes, as O the place! O the time! O if this had been, this had not followed! O the linking of this accident with this time and place! Look up to the master motion and the first wheel.

–Samuel Rutherford in the Loveliness of Christ-

We are always held in the love of God. We are never wholly at the mercy of other people-they are only “second causes,” and no matter how many second or third or fiftieth causes seem to be in control of what happens to us, it is God who is in charge, He who holds the key, He who casts the lot finally into the lap. Trusting Him, then, requires that I leave some things to be decided by others. I must learn to relinquish the control I might wield over somebody else if the decision properly belongs to him. I must resist urge to manipulate him, needle and prod and pester until he capitulates. I must trust God in him, trust God to do for both of us better than I know.

While purity before marriage, consists in holding ourselves from one another in obedience to God, purity after marriage consists in giving ourselves to and for each other in obedience to God. Passion, whether that of one who is hungry for another not yet given or that of one who, by God’s gift, shares the bed of another, must be held by principle. The principle is love-not erotic or sentimental or sexual feeling, but love. It is the way of charity. Perhaps the old word is best. The newer has been corrupted by the strange phenomenon of “falling in love”.

Stop living for yourself, start living for Christ. Now!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------