(from my fb notes, March 25th 2010)
On this morning daily talk with my mom, she said something about how my brother felt toward me lately. (I could feel that my mom said it really gently and wisely, tried not to offend me. )
My brother mentioned (to my mom, of course), that this super talkative sister has been really quite and not talking much to him lately. He wondered why, and had an impression that I didn't appreciate him and showed him no respect.
At that moment, my mind traveled around...looked back and thought..
It wasn't that I didn't appreciate him, of course! But, I had to admit that I was pretty disappointed of him for some reasons, that made me acting like a weirdo.
( He is such a caring and lovely brother, btw, very helpful and loves me so much .. !!)
~ I am a kind of person who avoids problems, never talks with the person. I always think that talking about the problems ain't useful, people won't change.. bla bla... I always try to keep the problems inside me, and just let them go. But, sometimes, u know, they can't just go.. we need to talk about them.. (I am still working on it..I realized it is not healthy, and not a right way to solve problems). ~
On my way to work, I kept thinking about what my mom said. No wonder my brother felt that way. I knew I was wrong, but I didn't know what to do about this. I was hopeless. I was hoping to run into any bookstores to find any books about broken relationship . Why broken relationship? Yeah.. coz I realized this kind of me will lead my relationship with anyone into it one day. I can't just be silent when there are problems with my beloved ones, it won't help, in fact, it ruins the relationship. I need to restore it. I realized that I need some helps to deal with disappointment. I won't let any disappointment to break my precious relationship with my beloved ones. I need to learn how to actually say my feeling and my disappointment gently and wisely, I don't need to keep them inside. It doesn't do any good. I NEED TO WORK THIS OUT~!
I suddenly forgot about everything by the time I arrived at my office (my bad >.<) ...
an hour.. 2...3...4...5...10 hours later...
I received my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries.. and the title was "Tough Relationships" , suddenly all my thoughts about my brother came all over again..
Lysa TerKeust wrote this,
Do you ever feel like relationships are hard to navigate sometimes? Are you in the midst of trying to figure out a situation that's complicated, messy and unpredictable? I nodded my head : I really DO!!
Sometimes I try so hard to figure out just the right words to say and talk through a situation. While talking is good, sometimes the conversations start running in a circle and there aren't any productive words left to say. I nodded once again : that's so true!!!
She suggested,
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Spending some time getting quiet can really be the best remedy for tangled situations. Taking a step back from all the emotion, frustration , and exhaustion to sit quietly with Jesus will do more to untangle a mess than anything else I've ever found.
Here are five beautiful things that can happen in the quiet:
1. In the quiet, we can feel safe enough to humble ourselves.
In the heat of a mess, the last thing I want to do is get humble. I want to get loud and prove my point. I've learned I have to step out of the battle and humbly ask God to speak truth to my heart for things to start to make sense. Never have I had a relationship issue where I didn't contribute at least something to the problem. Usually, I can only see this something in the quiet.
1 Peter 5:6, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand..." (NIV)
2. In the quiet, God will lift us up to a more rational place.
When we are in the heat of a tangled mess, crazy emotions drag us down into a pit of hopelessness. The only way out of the pit is to make the choice to stop digging deeper and turn to God for a solution.
1 Peter 5:6 continued, "...that he may lift you up in due time." (NIV)
3. In the quiet, anxiety gives way to progress.
We can pour our anxious hearts out to Jesus who loves us right where we are, how we are. And because His love comes without judgment, we can feel safe enough to humbly admit we need Jesus to work on us. Trying to fix another person will only add to my anxiety. Letting Jesus work on me is where real progress can happen.
1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (NIV)
4. In the quiet, we see our real enemy isn't the person with whom we're in conflict.
This person with whom we're in this tangled mess feels like the enemy. They might even look like the enemy. But the truth is, they aren't the real culprit here. Satan's influence on both me and the person offending me is the real culprit. I can't realize this in the heat of the moment. But in the quiet, I become alert and can gain a st rategy for acting and reacting in a more self-controlled manner.
1 Peter 5:8-9a, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..." (NIV)
5. In the quiet, I can rest assured God will use this conflict for good- no matter how it turns out.
If I make the effort to handle this conflict well, I can be freed from the pressure to make everything turn out rosy. Sometimes relationships grow stronger through conflict. But other times relationships end. Because I can't control the other person, I must keep focusing on the good God is working out in me through this and leave the outcome with Him.
1 Peter 5:10-11, "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (NIV)
In the end , this entire struggle can be used by God to make me stronger and more capable in my relationships. If I am humble enough to receive from Him in the quiet what He wants to teach me through this, I can rest assured with whatever the outcome is.
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Aha!!!
I contributed problems to the problems.. it's not that my brother always disappoints me - i just don't give him any chances. And my weird - not talking to him - acting surely made him clueless about what's going on (my fault!), it led into bigger problems and misunderstandings.
It's not my brother I am dealing with, but the sin inside me and him.
I won't try to change him, but I will keep praying for him that God works in him and ME, of course!
Woow...so, I guess tomorrow morning talk with mom will be :
"Ma, I know why Koko felt that way! God intervened, I know what to do! I won't let my silly disappointment ruin this precious relationship. The truth is I am grateful for having him in my life. I really am!!! "
i am glad my brother doesn't have facebook and won't read this. please don't tell him ;p
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