July 14th 2010
I had dreams about so many things, I still have some now.
I used to love taking control over my schedule and plans. I used to have weekly, monthly, yearly plans, even several years ahead.
I used to love to be the first, that’s why I loved competitions and did try hard to win them.
I always thought I knew the type of man I would love to marry one day who’s gonna make me 'happy'.
I always thought I knew what type of works that fit me and would make me enjoy my work completely.
I used to do whatever it takes to pursue my dreams.
I always thought I knew myself really well and knew what I always wanted.
Then what?!
I failed.
I “lost my powers” for so many times.
My schedules got interrupted.
I broke up, and remain single.
I was left useless.
What I thought I always knew were wrong! I knew nothing!! I messed up!!
Did I cry? Oh, yeah… I cried ‘til I had no longer tears to drop.
Was my heart broken? It “only” took several years to have my heart in “a proper” shape again.
I was ashamed; I didn’t want to see anybody.
I didn’t want people to see that I could be a failure.
Yes, I suffered!!! I was broken into pieces!!
But…..I love this vulnerable, broken Erlyn much more than ever.
Though I did cry really hard, I love it NOW how God molded my heart.*oh yeah, He keeps doing it every day :D :D*
My failures really taught me – that I had no control over my life, my schedule, my plans and my dreams. *maybe I did have control, but I would end up mess everything up*. I NO longer want to take control over my life, I trust God is in control instead!
I NO longer pray, “Lord, please help me to show to others that I can. Help me to be number one!”…I pray instead, “Lord, I want to be the last! The greatness belongs to You, not me.”
God hasn’t finished with me yet *I thank Him for that* … over and over, I fail; I am tempted to do things on my own, to pursue my own dreams that seem to be just right in the corner.
Recently, I’ve been offered with choices, things that have been my dreams for all this time.
I cried out to Him…. “Lord, what with all these things?!?! They are my dreams!!! But why…..!?! Deep inside my heart, I know that they are just not from You, at least not now. Why are You keep telling me to ‘be still and wait for You’, Lord? How long should I wait?”
Been really “silent” these days, then this morning…my mom asked..why?!
I told her, “Mom, I am tired to think about others first, I want to pursue my own happiness. My dreams are in front of me, Mom, I just need to take one little step! But I know, it’s not the time yet, it’s not the right thing to do, though I know I can, but I don’t want to.”
*sometimes, I tend to get “support” or “approval” from closest people in my life, hoping that they would say, “Well, go for it then!! Do whatever you think is good for you!!”*
But in the end, I know, even if the whole world told me to, “Go for it!!”, “Pursue your own dreams and happiness”, I wouldn’t go anywhere if my Heavenly Father tells me not to. I’ve learnt from my past mistakes and failures, that His voice is the only one I want to follow. I trust in His perfect plans, in His perfect timing.
I’ve been loved this quote I read from Max Lucado’s book ‘Just Like Jesus’ – a quote from a wife to her husband- : “I’d rather do nothing with you, than do something without you.”
I would even say it this way: “I’d rather ‘lose’ with my Lord, than ‘win’ without Him”
Here what I just read:
* I really could shout out for joy what He just did to me right now. After I wrote the above writings, I did my other things, then I got this devotional, I read and here it is….*
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Sometimes we grow impatient. We want what we want and we want it now. So we make mistakes of trying to get something by ourselves. Have you ever tried to get something by yourself? Is there something in your life that you really want….NOW?
Or there one thing you feel if you could have, your life would be complete? If you could just have that job at that pay, life would be so much better. If He would just fulfill that lifelong dream, you would be content. Are you tempted like me to get that thing any way you can, even with the possibility you could end up with way more than a black eye?
There are times with all of our prayers He seems to answer “no” or at least “not now”. It is here, where our desires intersect His will that we have to trust the Father knows best and every gift comes from Him. Every time, in His time, the gift is good and perfect.
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*He really answered my pray right away, didn’t He? :D :D*
Oh yes!! I have been waiting for all this time, and I will keep waiting. I have heard Him saying, “Be still and know that I am God”, and yeah, I am standing still ‘til my Father asks me to move and get going.
Some sweet article I read today too:
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“Be still and know that I am God!”. The word still comes from a Hebrew word meaning to “let go” or “release.” The meaning would be best understood to say “cause yourself to become restrained or to let go.” In other words, we need to come to a place where we are willing to submit ourselves to God and acknowledging that He is in sovereign control.
When we realize that we are truly incapable of controlling life, we can surrender our will to God’s will. It may be a matter of finally saying we trust Him. This will open the door so that we may experience the fullness of all God wants and has for us. After all, He is our Creator and has a perfect plan for us when we let Him orchestrate it.
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Some people may say, “I am letting my dreams go”, but I would rather say, “I am putting my dreams on my Father’s hands.” I am submitting them to my Father who has much more beautiful and bigger ones long before He created me.
Sources: Proverbs 31 Ministries’ Encouragement for Today “Timely Gifts” by Lynn Cowell, All about Following Jesus’ website.
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